The Strand Magazine/Volume 3/Issue 13/The Queer Side of Things
The Queer Side of Things.
By J. F. Sullivan.
HAVE long been of a settled Conviction that an unfeigned and Sincere Abhorrence of Violence is among the most admirable Ornaments of a worthy Man; and even that it constitutes in itself so notable a Claim upon our Respect and Esteem as to pass for a Proof of Worth. The Spectacle of a peaceful and moderate Man surrounded by Violence and Demonstrativeness, of which he still quietly endures the attacks, is of all Spectacles at once the noblest and the most encouraging to Persons of Virtue.
My old and esteemed Friend Sir Ogre de Covetous (of whom I lately had Occasion to speak) affords a noble Example of such a Case; and, indeed, inasmuch as all Men around him appear to hold him in most huge Disfavour, I take it they must need be of an exceeding evil Disposition, and, by consequence, he himself may with great Justice be accounted a Martyr.
One Day lately, when he had bidden me pass away a few Days in a Visit to his Country Mansion, I took the Occasion to compliment him upon the extensive and pleasing Prospect before his Windows; whereupon I could not but observe with some Anxiety an Expression of Regret that passed upon his Countenance.
"I will not conceal from you," said he, "that there is for me in this Prospect no little Cause of Sorrow and Chagrin, seeing that, by Reason of its being Visible from my Windows, it ought naturally to belong to me; for I hold that, as a freehold Estate reaches by Law to the Centre of the Earth, so in like Manner it ought to extend in all directions over that Hemisphere, or Half of the Earth, of which it is the Central Point." Upon my bringing to his Notice that this System would permit the whole Earth to accommodate but two Landed Proprietors, "Zounds!" quoth the good Knight, "and a most just and equitable Arrangement surely, save that the other Proprietor might not be found so worthy as myself to own so large a Parcel of Land. And herein," said he, reflectively, "I confess to you that I perceive a possible Difficulty."
"A title."
"Yonder Field," continued my friend, "is held by a pestilent Baggage of a Fellow who must forsooth refuse to yield it up to me (and that in despite of it bordering upon a Field of mine) for the pitiful Excuse that he hath a Title to it which is hardly to be upset; and this for all I have repeatedly striven to drive him away by this and that underhand Means."
At this sorrowful Recollection my old Friend let fall so bitter a Tear that I was myself hardly put to it but I should weep in Concert; but at this Moment Sir Ogre continued:—
"But you must know that I am the most grievously put about by a set of knavish low Fellows that are called 'Commoners' and 'The Public,' that will ever be trying to hinder me appropriating such Parcels of unenclosed Land as I may have a Fancy for; and this under the lame Pretext that these Parcels are theirs by Law!
"As if, forsooth, the Law had been designed to protect the rights of Fellows that have no Money to spend on Lawsuits!" And at this the worthy Knight was moved to so severe a Taking-on that I feared he was like to be seized with an Apoplexy: but he presently continued:—
"Riot and violence."
"I am myself a Man of a most Peaceable Disposition (having indeed been selected as a Justice of the Peace on that account), and have no Desire but to live quietly in Harmony with my Neighbours, appropriating such of their Land as I may desire, from Time to Time, to possess myself of; yet—so pestilent a Perverseness is there in the Nature of others—my Neighbours will in no Wise be favouring this Plan; but must be for ever striving to resist me, and that with open Violence and Destruction! As it is my earnest Desire to compass the Enclosure of their Lands after a quiet Fashion, to the avoiding of all unseemly Riot and Violence, so they of their part may by no means be persuaded to a like Temperateness of Demeanour, but will be destroying the Fences I have put up; and this with a most unseemly noise of Breaking of Timber, which is to me of all Noises the most abhorrent."
At this Discourse of the good old Man I fell into a profound, curious Speculation upon the Difference between him that constructs, and him that destroys; and very hugely to the Disadvantage of this Latter; seeing that Construction (that is, the Devoting of our human Skill to the Formation of useful Products from those Materials with which the Beneficence of Nature has provided us), is at all Times a laudable Work; while the Undoing of these Products is but a deplorable Retrogression toward Savagery. Thus I hold that he who constructs is ever more worthy than is he who destroys; and by Consequence the Encloser (or Constructor of Fences), than the rightful Owner (or Destroyer of Fences).
"Sir Ogre's ancestor."
Sir Ogre himself has frequently shown me in the Parish Church a stained Window that is believed to represent an Ancestor of his in the Act of slaying a Fence Destroyer; which seems to put me in the Right.
I was aroused from this Speculation by Sir Ogre's inviting me to take a Walk with him upon the Pieces of Land which he had lately added to his Property; and I was filled with Admiration at the Ingenuity with which his Operations were carried on. "For," said he, with that humorous Twinkle in his eye which is the Sign or Patent of a good Man in those Moments when he feels that he has done his Duty to himself, "you must know that I will often be sending one of my Fellows on an obscure Night to fix a low Wire along the Ground where I propose to afterward erect a Fence; and this for the Reason, that I hold it wiser to carry on the Work which I have set myself with as little Fuss and Ostentation as may be possible; being unwilling to provoke in the Commoners that deplorable Resentment and Anger which the Sight of my Operations in actual Progress would be calling forth."
"One of Sir Ogre's wires."
I here fell into a profound and improving Speculation upon the evident Worth of a Man who displays so delicate a Consideration for others, that he is of a Mind to avoid the setting before them any Temptation to an Outbreak of those violent Passions which must always be so harmful to Themselves. I was awakened from this Reverie by falling suddenly into a deep Ditch full of Mire, by reason of having tripped over one of Sir Ogre's Wires; the good old Man being at this so mightily diverted that he was fain to leave me with but my Heels sticking up out of the Mud for some ten Minutes while he enjoyed his Laugh.
My Attention was now called to a Company of rough Fellows that had fallen to upon a new Fence near at Hand which my old Friend had lately put up; whereat Sir Ogre very properly requested a Constable that was passing to take his Note-book and jot down upon it the Names of these Fellows and, upon my inquiring of the Course which he purposed to take in regard to them, he addressed to me the following Words:—
"Sir Ogre requested a Constable to take his note-book."
"It's my Purpose to carry these pestilent Knaves and most impudent Ruffians before the Bench of Justices at Brentford: for you must know that these Fellows are within their legal Rights in what they now do but these good Justices of Brentford have so nice and subtile a Sense of Logic, that they will, for all they must needs acquit the Defendants of all Offence, yet put upon them a fine for the Offence which they have not committed; by which means these Brentford Justices have acquired a very favourable high Reputation among all Men of Sense."
At this I fell into a most deep pleasing Speculation upon the Wisdom of these Brentford Justices, who indeed—however it may seem to the ignorant and thoughtless—carry out the very Spirit of our Laws: for the Purpose of all our Laws is that Men shall put an Action the one on the other, and pay the Costs of it; he that shall be able to pay more Costs than his Fellows being adjudged in the Right: wherefore it is reasonable and fitting that One who hath broken a Fence, and is adjudged in the Right in so doing, shall pay for it by way of a Testimony or Sign that he is in the Right. For as a Man cannot be adjudged in the Right except he pay; so he that pays not must surely be in the Wrong; which no Man would desire to be.
"A bonfire of notice-boards."
We now began to come at every Turn upon this or that Company of lewd Fellows that would be engaged either in tearing up a Wire that Sir Ogre had planted; or in breaking down a Fence; or in pulling down some Notice-Board of his that warned all and sundry from passing by that Way, or advertised a Piece of Land to be let on building Leases; and all this at Times with no little Stir and Clamour and cracking of Woodwork. Nay, I marked a certain Group that had made a Bonfire of some Notice-Boards; and these Fellows had the Effrontery to invite the good Knight to warm himself by it with unfitting Sarcasm: all of which I could perceive caused my old Friend no slight Dudgeon. "But it will go hard," said he, "but they shall smart for it properly!"
I could not but admire the Industry of this worthy Man, that had gotten together so large an Estate at so small Outlay; for Sir Ogre assured me that he had inherited from his Father but a Field of ten Acres in those Parts, having acquired the other ten thousand Acres by a sedulous and unflagging Pursuit of the Plan I have described, without so much as purchasing a Foot of it.
I was much interested in watching the Result of a Charge that had been preferred against a certain Fellow that was notorious in the Neighbourhood for unseemly Resistance at Law against those that possessed more Money than himself, and so were in the Right.
"This fellow had taken a rabbit."
It seemed that this Fellow had taken a Rabbit upon a Piece of public Land but lately enclosed by Sir Ogre. On this Fellow being brought up before Sir Ogre and charged with this Offence, I was taken with a great Admiration for my Friend's Freedom from Bias, and great Desire to do Justice: for he would by no Means hear a Word of what the Defendant had to say, fearing that in the Flurry of the Position he might haply incriminate himself still more deeply, but dealt with the Case summarily, passing upon the Fellow no harder Sentence than one Year with hard Labour: which, I take it, was but a slight Punishment to undergo, for a low Fellow that had no means.
That Night there was a great To-Do in the Village hard by; for there was to be a Burning of an Image or Effigies of the good Knight, upon the Pretext that he had put up a Barrier upon a Path that had been a public Way for Centuries: whereupon Sir Ogre lost no time in having the Fellows locked up for Causing an Obstruction: "For," says he, "the Roads and Ways are intended for the Public to pass along them; and this proper Use of them is not to be hindered by this or that Rascal that hath a mind to turn them to his own Devices."
Such is ever the Modesty of Sir Ogre, that he is by no Means of a Mind to make a Figure in his neighbourhood; and, indeed, he protested to me when on the Subject of the burning of the Effigies, that the making of a Figure is to him a Matier of Abhorrence.
I am now content to leave the Reputation of the good old Knight in the hands of the Public; being of a most certain Conviction that, whatever the Voice of Slander may be inclined to speak of it, it can in no way suffer Deterioration.
"THE MAN WITH THE DOGS."
HE articles entitled "Humours of the Post Office," which appeared in our numbers for last May and June, went far to prove that the ingenuity and resource of our Post Office authorities are matter for national pride and gratification. But the instance which we are now in a position to present, and which is, perhaps, the most extraordinary of all, was not then in our hands.
A Norwegian artist, during his stay in London, was one morning passing through Hyde Park, when his attention was attracted by a spectacle with which many Londoners are perfectly familiar—Mr. J. Pratt, the well-known dog-fancier, taking his string of Skye terriers abroad for air and exercise. The artist, after his return to Norway, called the scene to mind, and was anxious to acquire a specimen of the breed. He knew neither the owner's name or address, but, with an implicit trust in the ingenuity of the Post Office, which the result thoroughly justified, he took up his pen and despatched a letter in an envelope, of which the above is a reproduction in fac-simile. The letter was delivered in due course to Mr. J. Pratt, Gloucester-terrace, Hyde Park. The contents of the letter were as follows:—
"Norway, Aug. 23, 1885.
"Sir,—in London a short time ago I saw a very fine team of Skye terriers in Hyde Park. I inquired of a policeman if he knew the owner. He said the owner lived near Paddington Station, and so I send this to that district. Should this find you, will you please inform me if such dogs can be purchased, and where? Please communicate to me here at once, and I will call on you on my return to London shortly.
"I am, yours truly,
"Alfred Stenthulz."
"A SNOW LADY."
The accompanying picture shows what can be done with snow, by those who care to exercise their powers of modelling, and produce something more natural in appearance than the familiar old "Snow Man," built up after the figure of a Lowther Arcade Noah. During a lull in the severe frosts of last winter, two ladies (amateurs, who had never had a lesson in modelling), with the assistance of only a shovel and pair of scissors, erected and modelled the "Snow Lady" in a garden near Pangbourne. No foundation of any kind was used, and no sticks or wires were concealed under the figure for the purpose of supporting head, body, or arms. An enlargement of the original photograph was shown at the Photographic Exhibition during last autumn, and gave rise to many remarks, sage and otherwise. A large number of those who looked at it pronounced it as "No doubt very cleverly got up—but all humbug!" "Real snow? Not a bit of it! Quite impossible!"
"PUG."
A SNAKE STORY.
Enterprising young glazier distributes a few balls.Good business!
Grandpapa: "Snow on the ground and the thermometer at 80! Bless me! I must write to 'The Times.'"
Landlady: "It's only the winder a bit loose, sir. I'll soon fish yer things out of the snow."
(1) Getting up an appetite.(2) Losing a breakfast.