The Truth about Marriage/Chapter27
CHAPTER XXVII
SHALL WE TELL ABOUT OUR PAST
We are all interested in seeing happy marriages take place and sometimes the failure of one party or the other to give necessary information about one's past life may cause a great deal of trouble after marriage. The question that is to be answered takes up this problem from one angle, and is of great interest: "Should a woman tell her fiance of her past indiscretions?"
We have plays and movies and novels that deal with this question in a variety of ways. I saw a movie recently in which the story hinges wholly upon the fact of a young girl who does not tell her fiance of her past. Actually the girl in question was innocent as to intentional wrong, having been a victim of a brutal man; but it nevertheless worked out that her very natural reluctance to spoil a brilliant and an otherwise happy marriage brought much suffering. Should she have told her fiance of her past? She no doubt justified herself for not doing so because of the fact that she had been an innocent victim of wrong.
There are numberless instances of innocent wrong-doing in one's early life.
But what shall we do in the case of a woman who has as a responsible person committed indiscretions as a girl or as a woman? She cannot think of herself as guiltless. There may have been many extenuating circumstances in her case to cause her to excuse herself.
Well, when it comes to a matter of condemnation of such a woman we cannot help but think of what Jesus did when the women taken in adultery was brought to Him for judgment. He said to the men who were anxious to stone her, "Let him that is without sin among you first cast a stone at her."
But should a woman tell her husband of her past indiscretions? It depends upon how great indiscretions the woman may have committed and how much they will affect the man.
Men as a rule do not tell of their indiscretions. Should a woman tell of hers? Men will say that there is a difference, that a woman who has committed indiscretions is thereby put into a different class.
In other words, the double standard has existed in the world from time immemorial, and men think that women do not have the liberty that belongs to men. Because of the high ideals men have concerning women, indiscretions so-called seem to injure her far more than they do a man.
If a woman's indiscretions have been of such a character that they will affect the man's career if they come to public notice, should he not be told, so that he may take the responsibility upon himself if he marries her? If he knows of her past, and accepts it, her worry is gone.
If she feels that he would spurn her if she told him, he also ought to know; for there would be otherwise a great hidden danger hovering over her ready to destroy her happiness. It is a modern instance of the word of Damocles, and such threatened dangers are unnerving. Every shadow would frighten her.
But there are many indiscretions in a girl's life which are not as terrible as they seem to the girl. They are not genuine indiscretions. They do not affect her except as to conscience.
It is not necessary to tell a man everything in your past life unless it is serious enough to affect him before the world if publicly known or if known only to him to kill your relationship.
There ought to be perfect confidence between husband and wife. If you can forgive him, he ought to be able to forgive you. If he cannot forgive you, he is not marrying you but instead an ideal.
Of course, most of us marry ideals rather than human beings, but we like to have the one we marry measure up to the ideal.
The actual thing to be done in the matter of telling your past to your sweetheart or lover depends upon your own good common sense and your sense of what is useful for all concerned. Be careful not to work an injury to your beloved by your silence; nor do so by your too great frankness.