The Way of a Virgin/The Comb
THE COMB.[1]
An old man bought a sheep's cloak for his wife, and he futtered her the whole night long at the foot of the fence. In the morning the weather was damp, and the old woman, with back bent, went weeping; but the old man followed and mounted her. Said the woman to her husband:
"Tear me not in this fashion, Gabriel!"
But the man was hard of hearing, knew not what she said, thrust his yard into her, and futtered her dog-fashion.…… The eye is ne'er too weary to see, nor the backside to fizzle, nor the nose to take snuff, nor the coynte to lose the chance of goodly futter.…… But this way of a prelude.…… a foreword.
ONCE there lived a pope,[2] who possessed a daughter, a virgin and an artless. And when summer came the pope was wont to hire workmen to mow the hay; and he hired them in this wise:
If his daughter pissed o'er the haycock which the workman had mown, the man went wageless. Workmen a-plenty hired themselves to the pope, but, one and all, they laboured wageless; the daughter, whatsoe'er the height of the haycock, pissed o'er it.
Yet another workman and a bold did accept the conditions; if the pope's daughter pissed o'er the haycock which he had mown, no claim for his work he make. Then mowed the workman his hay; when he had mown it and set it in a heap, he lay down beside the haycock, drew forth his yard from his drawers and fell to toying with it. The pope's daughter drew nigh to the workman to scrutinise the haycock, cast a glance at him, and said:
"What dost thou, little peasant?"
"I rub my comb."
"What dost comb with this comb of thine?"
"Come—I will comb thee. Lie down on the hay."
The pope's daughter lay down on the hay, the workman fell to combing her, and he winnowed her as was proper. Anon the young girl rose up and said:
"What a delicious comb!"
Afterwards she sought to piss o'er the haycock; of no avail; she did piss upon herself, as it might run from a sieve. Seeking out her father, she spake him, saying:
"The haycock is too high; I may not piss o'er it."
"Ah! my daughter! here in sooth is a goodly workman. I will hire him for a year."
And when the workman came to receive his wage, the pope said:
"Friend, hire thyself to me for a year."
"I am willing," quoth the workman; and he hired himself to the pope. Most contented, too, was the pope's daughter, and when night came she sought the workman, saying:
"Comb me!"
"Nay, I will not comb thee for nought. Give me one hundred roubles. Buy the comb."
The pope's daughter gave him one hundred roubles, and nightly he combed her.
Came a time when the workman fell out with the pope, saying:
"Render me my wage, little father."
His wage rendered, the workman went his way. Now the pope's daughter was not present when these things were done, but when she returned to the house she inquired:
"Where is the workman?"
"He demanded his wage and is gone forhtwith to the village," quoth the pope.
"Ah! little father! what hast thou done? He hath carried off my comb!" cried the pope's daughter.
She hastened in pursuit, and came upon him by a little stream; the workman had tucked up his drawers and was fording the stream.
"Give me my comb!" cried the pope's daughter.
The workman took a stone and cast into the water.
"Pick it up," said he; and, passing to the other side of the stream, went his way.
The pope's daughter tucked up her petticoat, entered the water, and sought the comb. She rummaged at the bottom of the stream. No comb.
Chanced to pass a lord, who cried to her:
"What seekest, little dove?"
"My comb! Ihave purchased it from a workman for one hundred roubles; departing, he carried it off with him. Him I pursued, and he cast the comb in the water."
The lord descended from his carriage, removed his breeches, and entered the water in search of the comb. They searched; together they searched. On a sudden the pope's daughter perceived that a yard hung 'twixt the lord's legs. She seixed it with both hands, gripped it fast, and cried:
"Shame on thee, lord! 'Tis my comb! Give it me!"
"What dost thou, shameless one? Leave hold of me!" said the lord.
"Nay, 'tis thou who art shameless! Thou wouldst take what pertains to another. Give me my comb!"
And she dragged him by his yard to her father.
The pope gazed through the window. Behold, his daughter dragged a lord by his yard and never ceased from crying: "Give me my comb, wretched fellow!" what time the lord made plaintive sound, saying: "Little father, deliver me from a death not deserved! All my life I will not forget thee!"
From his drawers the pope drew forth his yard, displayed it to his daughter through the window, and cried:
"My daughter! my daughter! Here is thy comb!"
"Truly 'tis mine!" cried the daughter. "Be hold its red end! And I thought the lord had taken it!"
And she released this unfortunate and sped into the house. The lord drew on his hose and took to his heels.
The girl came running into the house.
"Where is my comb, little father?"
"Ah! what a daughter!" grumbled the pope. "See, little mother. I believe she hath lost her maidenhead."
"Examine her thyself, little father," said the popess. "That will be better."
The pope lowered his drawers and gave the comb to his daughter. When they were in action, the pope gasped and cried:
"No, no—the girl hath not lost her honour……"
Quoth the popess:
"Little father, push her honour yet further back."
"Fear not, little mother. She will not let it fall. I have pushed it far."
Thus went the pope's daughter to the comb. Henceforth the pope combed them both, regaling them with his little 'doll,'[3] passing his life in futtering both daughter and mother.
EXCURSUS TO THE PRINCESS WHO PISSETH OVER THE HYCOCK AND THE COMB.
The main theme of these two stories—the ability of a virgin girl to urinate to a great height—is founded on physiological fact, although, of course, grossly distorted and exaggerated. "In children," says Havelock Ellis, (Studies in the Psychology of Sex, vol. 5: Erotic Symbolism), "the vulva appears to look directly forward and the clitoris and urinary meatus easily appear, while in adult women, and especially after attempts at coïtus have been made, the vulva appears directed more below and behind, and the clitoris and meatus more covered by the labia majora; so that the child urinates forward, while the adult woman is usually able to urinate almost directly downwards in the erected position, though in some cases (as may occasionally be observed in the street) she can only do so when bending slightly forwards.
"This difference in the direction of the stream formerly furnished one of the methods of diagnosing virginity, an uncertain one, since the difference is largely due to age and individual variation. The main factor in the position and aspect of the vulva is pelvic inclination……"
Havelock Ellis, later on in the same volume of his Studies, again refers to the subject:
"A sign to which the old authors often attached much importance was furnished by the urinary stream. In the De Secretis Mulierum, wrongly attributed to Albertus Magnus,[4] it is laid down that 'the virgin urinates higher than the woman.' Riolan, in his Anthropographia, discussing the ability of virgins to ejaculate urine to a height, states that Scaliger had observed women who were virgins emit urine in a high jet against a wall, but that married women could seldom do this. Bonaciolus also stated that the urine of virgins is emitted in a small stream to a distance with an acute hissing sound. (Parthenologia, p. 281.)[5]……There is no doubt a tendency for the various stresses of sexual life to produce an influence in this direction, though they act far too slowly and uncertainly to be a reliable index to the presence or the absence of virginity.
"Another common ancient test of virginity by urination rests on a psychic basis, and appears in a variety of forms which are really all reducible to the same principle. Thus we are told in De Secretis Mulierum that to ascertain if a girl has been seduced she should be given to eat of powdered, crocus flowers, and if she has been seduced she immediately urinates. We are here concerned with auto-suggstion, and it may well be believed that with nervous and credulous girls this test often revealed the truth.……
"……The ancient custom, known in classic times, of measuring the neck the day after marriage was frequently practised to ascertain if a girl was or was not a virgin. There were various ways of doing this. One was to measure with a thread the circumference of the bride's neck before she went to bed on the bridal night. If in the morning the same thread would not go around her neck it was a sure sign that she had lost her virginity during the night; if it would, she was still a virgin or had been deflowered at an earlier period. Catullus alluded to this custom,[6] which still exists, or existed until lately,[7] in the south of France. It is perfectly sound, for it rests on the intimate response by congestion of the thyroid gland to sexual exitement. (Parthenologia, p. 283.)"
- ↑ Kruptadia: Heilbronn, Henninger Frères, 1883, vol. 1: Secret Stories from the Russian.
- ↑ A priest of the Greek Church.
- ↑ French Poupée, which, in the slang phraseology of that language, properly denotes a harlot. On the other hand, we have the term dolly as a synonym for penis. (C.f. Farmer: Slang and its Analogues.) This use of poupée, which, of course, is literally translated by doll, is peculiar; our French lexicographers do not include it in their lists of synonyms for the membrum virile.
- ↑ "Already in the thirteenth century, Albert Bollstœdt, Bishop of Ratisbonne, better known as Albertus Magnus, had, in spite of his clerical profession, furnished much scabrous matter concerning the opposite sex in his work De Secretis Mulierum."—Centuria Librorum Absconditorum: Pisanus Fraxi (Ashbee): London: Privately Printed, 1897. The compiler of this monumental work and the two companion volumes, Index Librorum Prohibitorum and Catena Librorum Tacendorum, would seem to be at variance with Havelock Ellis. A further reference to Albertus Magnus by Fraxi is worth giving: "Shall a bishop, raised to the See of Ratisbonne, (exclaims the erudite James Atkinson) and (still more monstrous) shall a canonised man, an 'in cœlum sublevatus,' undertake a natural history of the most natural secret, inter secretalia fœminea? Is the natural and divine law at once to be expounded, inter Scyllam et Charybdim, of defailance and human orgasm?"—Medical Bibliography, p. 72.
- ↑ We have already referred to Schurig's work.
- ↑ "Nor shall the nurse at orient light returning, with yester-e'en's thread succeed in circling her neck."—The Carmina of Catullus. Englished into verse and prose by Sir R. F. Burton and L. C. Smithers: London, 1894. Burton and Smithers, apparently, were unaware of the medical significance of the test, for they add in a note: "The ancients, says Pezay, had faith in another equally absurd test of virginity. They measured the circumference of the neck with a thread. Then the girl under trail took the two ends of the magic thread in her teeth, and if it was found to be so long that its bight could be passed over her head, it was clear she was not a maid. By this rule all the thin girls might pass for vestals, and all the plump ones for the reverse."
- ↑ Havelock Ellis is writting in 1914.