The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift/Volume 9/The Swearer's Bank
THE
SWEARERS BANK:
OR
PARLIAMENTARY SECURITY FOR ESTABLISHING A NEW BANK IN IRELAND.
WHEREIN THE MEDICAL USE OF OATHS IS CONSIDERED[1].
WRITTEN IN THE YEAR 1720.
Si Populus vult decipi, decipiatur.
"TO believe every thing that is said by a certain set of men, and to doubt of nothing they relate, though ever so improbable," is a maxim that has contributed as much, for the time, to the support of Irish banks, as it ever did to the popish religion; and they are not only beholden to the latter for their foundation, but they have the happiness to have the same patron saint; for, ignorance, the reputed mother of the devotion of one, seems to bear the same affectionate relation to the credit of the other.
To subscribe to banks, without knowing the scheme or design of them, is not unlike to some gentlemen's signing addresses without knowing the contents of them: To engage in a bank that has neither act of parliament, charter, nor lands to support it, is like sending a ship to sea without a bottom; to expect a coach and six by the former, would be as ridiculous as to hope a return by the latter.
It was well known some time ago, that our banks would be included in the bubble bill; and it was believed those chimeras would necessarily vanish, with the first easterly wind that should inform the town of the royal assent.
It was very mortifying to several gentlemen, who dreamed of nothing but easy chariots, on the arrival of the fatal packet, to slip out of them into their walking shoes. But should those banks, as it is vainly imagined, be so fortunate as to obtain a charter, and purchase lands; yet, on any run on them in a time of invasion, there would be so many starving proprietors, reviving their old pretensions to land and a bellyful, that the subscribers would be unwilling, upon any call, to part with their money, not knowing what might happen; so that in a rebellion, where the success was doubtful, the bank would infallibly break.
Since so many gentlemen of this town have had the courage, without any security, to appear in the same paper with a million or two; it is hoped, when they are made sensible of their safety, that they will be prevailed to trust themselves in a neat skin of parchment, with a single one.
To encourage them, the undertaker proposes the erecting of a bank on parliamentary security, and such security as no revolution or change of times can effect.
To take away all jealousy of any private view of the undertaker, he assures the world, that he is now in a garret, in a very thin waistcoat, studying the publick good; having given an undeniable pledge of his love to his country, by pawning his coat, in order to defray the expense of the press.
It is very well known, that by an act of parliament to prevent profane swearing, the person so offending, on oath made before a magistrate, forfeits a shilling, which may be levied with little difficulty.
It is almost unnecessary to mention, that this is become a pet-vice[2] among us; and though age renders us unfit for other vices, yet this, where it takes hold, never leaves us but with our speech.
So vast a revenue might be raised by the execution of this act, that I have often wondered, in a scarcity of funds, that methods have not been taken to make it serviceable to the publick.
I dare venture to say, if this act was well executed in England, the revenue of it, applied to the navy, would make the English fleet a terrour to all Europe.
It is computed by geographers, that there are two millions in this kingdom (of Ireland) of which number there may be said to be a million of swearing souls.
It is thought there may be five thousand gentlemen; every gentleman, taking one with another, may afford to swear an oath every day, which will yearly produce one million eight hundred twenty-five thousand oaths; which number of shillings makes the yearly sum of ninety-one thousand two hundred and fifty pounds.
The farmers of this kingdom, who are computed to be ten thousand, are able to spend yearly five hundred thousand oaths, which gives twenty-five thousand pounds; and it is conjectured, that from the bulk of the people, twenty or five and twenty thousand pounds may be yearly collected.
These computations are very modest, since it is evident that there is a much greater consumption of oaths in this kingdom, and consequently a much greater sum might be yearly raised.
That it may be collected with ease and regularity, it is proposed to settle informers in great towns, in proportion to the number of inhabitants, and to have riding officers in the country: and since nothing brings a greater contempt on any profession than poverty, it is determined to settle very handsome salaries on the gentlemen that are employed by the Bank, that they may, by a generosity of living, reconcile men to an office, that has lain under so much scandal of late, as to be undertaken by none but curates, clerks of meeting-houses, and broken tradesmen.
It is resolved, that none shall be preferred to those employments, but persons that are notorious for being constant churchmen, and frequent communicants; whose piety will be a sufficient security for their honest and industrious execution of their office.
It is very probable, that twenty thousand pounds will be necessary, to defray all expenses of servants, salaries, &c. However, there will be the clear yearly sum of one hundred thousand pounds, which may very justly claim a million subscription.
It is determined to lay out the remaining unapplied profits, which will be very considerable, toward the erecting and maintaining of charity schools. A design so beneficial to the publick, and especially to the protestant interest of this kingdom, has met with so much encouragement from several great patriots in England, that they have engaged to procure an act to secure the sole benefit of informing, on this swearing act, to the agents and servants of this new bank. Several of my friends pretend to demonstrate, that this bank will in time vie with the South Sea company: they insist, that the army dispend as many oaths yearly as will produce one hundred thousand pounds nett.
There are computed to be one hundred pretty fellows in this town, that swear fifty oaths a head daily; some of them would think it hard to be stinted to a hundred: this very branch would produce a vast sum yearly.
The fairs of this kingdom will bring in a vast revenue; the oaths of a little Connaught one, as well as they could be numbered by two persons, amounted to three thousand. It is true, that it would be impossible to turn all of them into ready money; for a shilling is so great a duty on swearing, that if it was carefully exacted, the common people might as well pretend to drink wine as to swear; and an oath would be as rare among them as a clean shirt.
A servant, that I employed to accompany the militia their last muster day, had scored down, in the compass of eight hours, three hundred oaths; but, as the putting of the act in execution on those days would only fill the stocks with porters, and pawnshops with muskets and swords; and as it would be matter of great joy to papists, and disaffected persons, to see our militia swear themselves out of their guns and swords; it is resolved that no advantage shall be taken of any militia man's swearing while he is under arms; nor shall any advantage be taken of any man's swearing in the four courts, provided he is at hearing in the exchequer, or has just paid off an attorney's bill.
The medicinal use of oaths is what the undertaker would by no means discourage, especially where it is necessary to help the lungs to throw off any distilling humour. On certificate of a course of swearing prescribed by any physician, a permit will be given to the patient, by the proper officer of the bank, paying no more than sixpence. It is expected, that a scheme of so much advantage to the publick will meet with more encouragement than their chimerical banks; and the undertaker hopes, that as he has spent a considerable fortune in bringing this scheme to bear, he may have the satisfaction to see it take place, for the publick good, though he should have the fate of most projectors, to be undone.
It is resolved, that no compositions shall be made, nor licenses granted, for swearing, under a notion of applying the money to pious uses; a practice so scandalous as is fit only for the see of Rome, where the money arising from whoring licenses is applied ad propagandam fidem: and, to the shame of Smock alley, and of all protestant whores (especially those who live under the light of the Gospel-ministry) be it spoken, a whore in Rome never lies down, but she hopes it will be the means of converting some poor heathen, or heretick.
The swearing revenues of the town of Cork will be given for ever, by the bank, to the support of poor clergymen's widows; and those of Ringsend will be allowed to the maintenance of sailors bastards.
The undertaker designs, in a few days, to appoint time and place for taking subscriptions; the subscribers must come prepared to pay down one fourth on subscribing.
POSTSCRIPT.
THE jews of Rotterdam have offered to farm the revenues of Dublin at twenty thousand pounds per annum. Several eminent quakers are also willing to take them at that rent; but the undertaker has rejected their proposals, being resolved to deal with none but christians.
Application may be made to him about them, any day, at Pat's coffeehouse, where attendance will be given.
- ↑ See an Essay upon English Bubbles in the eighteenth volume of this edition.
- ↑ i. e. A favourite vice.