Toad of Toad Hall/Act 1
TOAD OF TOAD HALL
ACT I
DOWN BY THE WILLOWS
Scene. The River Bank. A warm morning in spring. Nurse was knitting a sock, but seems to have fallen asleep over it. This leaves Marigold (who is twelve) to amuse herself. She is lying on her front, and talking down the telephone. At least she has the trumpet of one daffodil to her ear, and of another to her mouth, and has apparently just got on to the Exchange.
Marigold
Hallo, is that the Exchange? I want River Bank 1001. . . . Hallo, is that the Water Rat's house? . . . Oh, I beg your pardon. They've given me the wrong number. . . . Oh, Exchange, you've given me the wrong number. I wanted Mr. Rat's house and you've given me Mr. Badger's. (To herself) Sorry you've been tr-r-roubled. . . . Hallo, is that the Water Rat's house? Is that Mr. Rat speaking? Good morning, Mr. Rat, this is Marigold speaking. . . . Yes, isn't it a delightful day? . . . Yes. Well, almost alone. Nurse is here, but she's asleep. How's Mr. Mole? . . . Oh, haven't you seen him? I expect he's very busy spring cleaning. You see, when your house is all basement, there's such a lot of spring cleaning to be done. . . . Yes, I prefer a riverside residence too. . . . May I really come one day? How lovely. . . . No, not tomorrow, I'm having tea with Mr. Toad. . . . Yes, conceited, but so nice. . . . I saw Mr. Otter just now, just before I rang you up. . . . No, I don't know him very well, but I think he's sweet. . . . Will you really? And if Mr. Mole—
NURSE (who was not asleep)
Well, I declare, Miss Marigold, you do think of funny things.
MARIGOLD (hurriedly)
Oh, Nurse is awake. Good-bye. (She puts down the telephone and says sternly) Have you been overhearing, Nurse?
NURSE (nodding)
And wondering at you, dearie. Who ever heard the like?
MARIGOLD
It's very bad manners to overhear a perfectly private telephone conversation.
NURSE
Couldn't help it, dearie, you're that funny—with your Mr. Rat and Mr. Toad and all, just as if they were yooman beings.
MARIGOLD
Well, but so they are.
NURSE (surprised at this)
Yooman beings?
Yes. I mean they are as human to themselves as—as we are to us.
NURSE (after a gallant effort)
No, it's no good, dearie, I can't follow it.
MARIGOLD
I mean, they must seem quite big and grown up and human to each other, and if we lived in their world, then they would seem big and grown up to us, just like real people.
NURSE
Now, fancy that!
MARIGOLD
Mr. Toad, he's all puffed out and conceited, but very nice, you know, and very sorry afterwards for talking so much about himself. And Mr. Rat's a dear; that's him I was talking to just now. He's very quick and clever and helpful, and his little sharp eyes are always looking out so as to see that he doesn't hurt people's feelings. And Mr. Mole, I'm not sure about him. You see, he lives underground a good deal and doesn't go out into society much, so I should think he'd be rather simple and not liking to talk about himself, and just saying "Yes" and "No," and waiting to be asked before he has a second cup. And then Mr. Badger. Of course he's gray and much older than the others, and very fatherly, and sleeps a good deal with a handkerchief over his face, and says "Now, now, now," and "Well, well, well" when he's woken up. And Mr. Otter—
Well, well, well, fancy that now! Why, you might almost
have seen them at it, the way you talk.
MARIGOLD
I have.
NURSE
Never!
MARIGOLD
Yes. One morning. I came out here early, oh, ever so early.
Nobody was up; you weren't up, and the birds weren't up and even the sun wasn't up. And everything was so still that there was no sound in all the world, except just the wind in the willows, whispering ever so gently.
NURSE (professionally)
What your poor mother would have said. (Eagerly) Well, and what happened?
MARIGOLD
I don't know. I sat there and waited for everything to wake up, and then by and by I heard something, music, very thin and clear and far off. And then, well then there was the sun, and it was daylight, and it seemed as if I had just woken up myself. But it was all different. Something had happened. I didn't know what, but I seemed to understand more than I did before—to have been with them.
NURSE
Mr. Toad and Mr. Mole and all them?
Yes. I've never really seen them since. I pretend to talk to them just as if they were really there, but— (With sudden excitement) Wouldn't it be lovely if they suddenly came out and began to talk—Mole from under the ground there, and the Water Rat from his hole in the bank, and the old Badger from the dead leaves in the ditch, and Mr. Toad—
NURSE
I should be that frightened, if they were all big.
MARIGOLD
Oh no, you wouldn't, because they wouldn't know we were here. We should just listen to them without their knowing anything about it. (She calls out) Mr. Mole! Mr. Rat! Mr. Toad! Oh, Nurse, wouldn't it be lovely?
NURSE
Oo, I can hear something! Listen!
MARIGOLD
That's the music again. Quick! Hide!
(It is dark suddenly, and we hear music, very thin and clear and far off: "the horns of Elfland faintly blowing." Gradually it grows light again. There is no NURSE, no MARIGOLD now. But near where MARIGOLD was lying there is a curious upheaval going on. The earth moves and humps up and falls back again. Somebody is at work underneath. We hear breathings and mutterings. In a little while we can distinguish words. It is our old friend MOLE.)
MOLE (as he comes laboriously into the daylight)
Scrape and scratch and scrabble and scrooge, scrooge and scrabble and scrape and scratch. Up we go, up we go. . . . Pop! (He stands up and brushes himself.) Ah! (He takes a deep breath of daylight.) This is fine. This is better than whitewash. Hang spring cleaning! (He walks about, making ecstatic noises to himself.) Oh, what a day. Oh my, oh my, oh my. Blow spring cleaning! (He rubs his eyes with his paw.) Is that a river? Oh my, oh my. Bother spring cleaning!
RAT
Hallo, Mole.
MOLE
Hallo, Rat.
RAT
Don't seem to have seen you about before.
MOLE (shyly)
I—I don't go out much, as a rule.
Prefer home life? I know. Very good thing too in its way.
MOLE
Yes, you see, I— This is a river, isn't it?
RAT
The River.
MOLE (simply)
I've never seen a river before.
RAT (staggered)
Never seen a— You never— Well, I— What have you
been doing then?
MOLE
Is it as nice as that?
RAT
Nice? My dear young friend, believe me, it's the only thing. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, half so much worth doing as simply messing about by a river. (Dreamily) Simply messing, messing about by a river, or in a river or on a river. It doesn't matter which.
MOLE
But what do you do?
RAT
Nothing. Just mess about. That's the charm of it. You're always busy, and yet you never do anything in particular; and when you've done it, there's always something else to do, and you can do it if you like, but you'd much better not. . . . And so you've never even seen a river before? Well, well.
MOLE
Never. And you actually live by it. What a jolly life it
sounds.
RAT
By it and with it and on it and in it. It's brother and sister to me, and aunts and company, and food and drink and naturally, washing. It's my world and I don't want any other.
MOLE
Isn't it a bit dull at times? Just you and the river and no one else to pass a word with?
RAT
No one else to—no one— Oh well, I mustn't be hard on you. You're new to it. But believe me, my dear young friend, the River Bank is so crowded nowadays that many people are moving away altogether: otters, kingfishers, dabchicks, moorhens. No one else to—oh, my dear young friend.
MOLE (timidly)
I am afraid you must think me very ignorant.
Not at all. Naturally, not being used to it. Look here, what are you doing today?
MOLE (hesitatingly)
I—I was spring cleaning.
RAT
On a day like this?
MOLE
That's just it. Sometimes I seem to hear a voice within me say "Whitewash," and then another voice says "Hang whitewash!" (Slowly) And I don't know quite which of the—I don't quite know—I don't qui— Oh, hang whitewash!
RAT (patting him encouragingly)
That's the spirit. Well, what I was about to suggest was a trifle of lunch on the bank here, and then I'd take you round and introduce you to a few of my friends. Does that appeal to you at all?
MOLE (ecstatically)
Does it appeal to me? Does it? Oh my, oh my, oh my.
RAT (soothingly)
There, there. You don't want to get too excited. It's only just a trifle of lunch: cold tongue, cold ham, cold chicken, salad, french rolls, cress sandwiches, hard-boiled eggs, bloater paste, tinned peaches, meringues, ginger beer, lemonade, milk chocolate, oranges. Nothing special, only just—
Stop, stop. Oh my, oh my. Oh, what a day!
RAT
That's all right. You'll feel better soon. Now just you wait here, don't go falling into the river or anything like that, and I'll be back in two minutes with the luncheon basket.
MOLE (wiping away the tears)
Oh, Mr. Rat, my generous friend, I—I—words fail me for the moment—I— (He holds out his hand.) Your kindness—that expression, if I caught it correctly, "luncheon basket"—a comparative stranger like myself—did I hear you say "bloater paste?" You—I— (He opens his eyes and finds that
RAT has gone.) Oh! (He walks over to a bank of dead leaves and sits down on it.) Oh, what a day!
(It is indeed a day. For suddenly the leaves begin to move beneath him, and MOLE rises and falls with the motion of a small boat on a choppy sea. A final upheaval dislodges him altogether and leaves scatter and disclose the recumbent form of MR. BADGER. Slowly he humps himself into a sitting position and addresses the astonished MOLE.)
BADGER (gruffly)
Now the very next time this happens I shall be exceedingly angry. I have had to speak about it before and I don't want to speak about it again. But I will not have people sitting down on me just as if I were part of the landscape. Now who is it this time? Speak up.
Oh, please, Mr. Badger, it's only me.
BADGER
Well, if it's only you, that makes a difference. I don't want to be hard on you. But I put it to you that when an animal is being particularly busy underneath a few leaves, thinking very deeply about things, giving himself up to very serious reflection, he does not want to be disturbed. And it is disturbing, my little fellow, to have somebody sitting down carelessly on your person, and stretching his legs in an independent sort of way, and—
RAT (emerging with the lunch)
Here, Mole, give us a hand with this basket. Hallo! Why, it's Mr. Badger.
BADGER
Ah, Ratty, my dear little man, delighted to see you. I was just telling this little fellow—
RAT
By the way, let me introduce you. My friend, Mr. Mole.
BADGER
Don't mention it. Any friend of yours, Ratty—
MOLE (timidly)
How do you do, Mr. Badger? I am very proud to meet you. I'm sure I'm extremely sorry—
That's all right, that's all right. Any friend of Ratty's may sit down where he likes and when he likes, or I'll know the reason why. Well, and what are you two little fellows doing?
RAT
Just having a trifle of lunch. Stay and join us, won't you?
MOLE (shyly)
Oh do, Mr. Badger. It's a picnic. (He helps RAT up with the basket.)
BADGER
H'm. Picnics aren't much in my line. Got company coming?
RAT
Only Mole and myself. Unless Toad happens along.
MOLE (in an ecstatic whisper)
There's cold tongue, cold chicken, salad, french rolls, cress sandwiches, hard-boiled eggs—
BADGER
Well, if you're sure there's no company. You know, Ratty, I never did like society. (He sits down heavily on the basket, much to MOLE'S disappointment, who was hoping to get to work at once.)
RAT
Can't say I see much in it myself.
Sensible animal. And what about your friend Mr. Mole?
MOLE
Oh, I live a very quiet life, Mr. Badger. A field mouse or two drops in from time to time, perhaps half a dozen of them will come carol singing at Christmas, but beyond that I hardly see anybody.
BADGER
That's right. Ratty, your little friend promises well.
RAT
Yes, but you're sitting on the lunch, and we can't—
BADGER (taking no notice)
He has the right ideas. (Solemnly) How different from one whom we could mention.
RAT
Oh, Toad? Toady's all right.
BADGER (shaking his head sadly)
Ah me.
MOLE
I have heard of the great Mr. Toad. He's very rich, isn't he?
RAT
Richest animal in these parts, and got one of the nicest houses, though we don't admit as much to Toady. Tudor residence: mullioned windows, bath, hot and cold, and every modern convenience, including carriage sweep. Entertains a lot. Always glad to see you night or day. A good fellow, Toady.
BADGER
Ah me!
MOLE
He must indeed be a very nice animal.
RAT
So simple, so good-natured, so affectionate. Perhaps he's not very clever, we can't all be geniuses; and it may be that he is both boastful and conceited. But he has some great qualities has Toady.
MOLE
It would be a privilege to make his acquaintance.
RAT
Oh, you'll see him all right. He's sure to be along soon.
BADGER
And when you see him, my little friend, take warning by
him. Society has been his undoing.
RAT
Well, I wouldn't say that. I—
BADGER
If it were not for the desire to shine before his acquaintances, what a much more dependable animal Toad would be. I knew his father. I knew his grandfather. I knew his uncle, the Archdeacon. Ah me.
RAT
Cheer up, old Badger. We'll take him in hand one day and make a better animal of him.
BADGER
Indeed we must. It is a duty I owe to his father. And now that the year is really beginning, and the nights are shorter, and halfway through them one rouses and feels fidgety, and wanting to be up and doing by sunrise, if not before, you know—
RAT
I know.
BADGER
Well then, now we—you and me and our friend the Mole here, we'll take him in hand and make a better animal of him. That is, if we have any more of his nonsense.
RAT (nodding)
That's right, Badger. But he's a good fellow, Toady. Doesn't mean any harm, you know. Just his way.
MOLE
What is his way?
BADGER
You tell him, Rat.
Crazes. He always has crazes. First it's for sailing, and then it's for punting, and then it's for astronomy, and then it's for carriage horses; and whatever it is, he always has the most expensive, and lots of 'em, and knows all about it, or thinks he does, and— Just get up a moment, Badger, you're sitting on the basket.
BADGER (not moving)
I knew his father. I knew his uncle the—
RAT
Whatever it is, he must have the best. And then in a week he's forgotten about it and started something else.
BADGER
Society. That's what's undone him. The craving to shine. (Solemnly to MOLE) Very sad, my young friend, very sad. I knew his grandfather.
MOLE (helpfully)
Dear, dear.
BADGER
What his poor father would have said.
TOAD (off)
Hallo!
RAT (cheerily)
Hallo, Toady. (He waves a paw.) I thought he'd come along soon. You see, he likes company.
Ah me.
TOAD
Hallo, you fellows. This is splendid. Hallo, old Badger. Dear old Ratty. (He shakes him warmly by the paw.) Hallo! (He seizes MOLE'S paw and works it up and down.) And dear old Badger. (He passes on to BADGER.) How are you?
BADGER
So-so.
TOAD
Splendid, splendid.
RAT
My friend, Mr. Mole.
TOAD (going back enthusiastically to MOLE)
How are you? (He shakes his paw vigorously.) Splendid, eh? That's good. And old Ratty. And Badger.
BADGER
We were talking about you, my young friend.
TOAD (spreading himself with delight)
Ah well, the penalty of fame. Eh, Ratty? One gets talked about. One is discussed. One is a topic of conversation. One is speculated about. There it is. One can't help it. Well, Ratty old man, and how are you?
I'm all right. We were just going to have a trifle of lunch. You'd better join us. (Pulling at the basket again) I say, Badger, old man—
TOAD
No, no, you all come up to my house. Come up to Toad Hall. I'll give you lunch, the finest lunch you ever had.
MOLE (unable to imagine anything superior to RAT'S effort)
But there's cold tongue, cold ham, cold chicken, salad, french rolls, cress sandwiches, hard-boiled—
TOAD
Pooh! Wait till you've seen mine. Ratty knows. Eh, Ratty? They're quite famous, been referred to in books. "Another select little luncheon party at Toad Hall." That sort of thing.
MOLE (awed)
Oh! (He looks anxiously at RAT, to whom, after all, he is engaged for lunch.)
RAT
Now, now, Toad.
BADGER
Well, I'll be moving. (He rises slowly.)
RAT (getting to the basket at last)
Thanks, old chap.
That's right. We'll all be moving. (To MOLE) It's only a step to Toad Hall. Jacobean residence with bits of Tudor. Finest house on the river. You'll like it.
MOLE (eagerly)
I'm sure I shall.
BADGER (to MOLE)
Good-bye, my young friend. We shall meet again. And before very long, if I'm not mistaken. Good-bye, Ratty.
RAT
Sure you won't stay to lunch?
TOAD
But you are coming to lunch with me, old Badger.
BADGER (severely)
Nobody is coming to lunch with you, Toad. Many a time I have lunched at Toad Hall with your father, an animal of few words, but of what an intellect! Ah me. How different from—but I will not go into that now. Hour after hour, when lunch was cleared away, we would sit there, meditating. I knew your grandfather, worthy animal that he was. Many a time have I lunched with him at Toad Hall. Little did he think, as we sat there reflecting, that one day—but I shall refer to that later. Good-bye, my unhappy young friend. (He goes out heavily.)
MOLE (anxiously)
Isn't Mr. Badger feeling very well?
Poor old Badger, he gets that way sometimes. No fire, no spirit. No, what's the word, élan. Well, well, we can't all have it. Hallo, Ratty, where are you off to?
RAT (going for it)
The corkscrew.
TOAD (not moving)
Now, let me fetch it. (To MOLE.) Tell you what, you must come and stay with me. Let me put you up at Toad Hall.
MOLE
It's very kind of you, but—
TOAD
That's all right. Plenty of room at Toad Hall. Open house for my friends. Always glad to see them. Now what have we got for lunch? (He assumes the position of host.) Try one of these sandwiches. (As RAT emerges with the corkscrew) Come along, Ratty, try one of these sandwiches. Got the corkscrew? Good. (To MOLE) Let me open you one of these bottles. Sit down, Ratty; make yourself comfortable.
RAT (quietly to MOLE)
Got everything you want?
MOLE
Yes, thank you.
That's right. Well, Toady, and what have you been doing lately? Boating? Haven't seen you on the river this last day or two.
TOAD
The river! Boating! Bah! Silly boyish amusement. I've given that up long ago. Sheer waste of time. No, I've discovered the real thing, the only genuine occupation. I propose to devote the remainder of my life to it. To think of the wasted years that lie behind me, squandered in trivialities.
RAT
What's that? Help yourself, Mole.
TOAD
Aha, what is it? Come to Toad Hall and you shall see.
MOLE
Oh, do let's.
RAT
All right, we'll drop in one afternoon.
TOAD
Drop in? One afternoon? Nonsense! You're coming to stay. Always welcome, that's my motto. I've had it picked out in green on the front door mat. "Always welcome. A home from home." (To MOLE) You'd like to come, wouldn't you?
RAT
Sorry, but Mole is staying with me.
Now, you dear good old Ratty, don't begin talking in that stiff and sniffy sort of way, because you know you've got to come. And don't argue; it's the one thing I can't stand. You surely don't mean to stick to your dull fusty old river all your life and just live in a hole in the bank? Come and stay with me and I'll show you the world.
RAT
I don't want to see the world. And I am going to stick to my old river and live in a hole, just as I've always done. And I'm going to teach Mole all about the river, aren't I, Mole? And Mole is going to stick to me and do as I do, aren't you, Mole?
MOLE (loyally)
Of course I am. I'll always stick to you, Rat. (Wistfully) All the same, it sounds as though it might have been—well, rather fun at Toad Hall.
TOAD
Fun? Wait till you see what I've got. I've got the finest—well, wait till you see it. Pass the sandwiches, Mole, there's a good fellow. (To RAT) Seen any of the Wild Wooders lately?
RAT
No.
MOLE
Who are the Wild Wooders?
They live over there in the Wild Wood. We don't go there very much, we River Bankers.
MOLE
Aren't they, aren't they very nice people in there?
TOAD
They daren't show their noses round Toad Hall, that they daren't. I'd soon send them packing.
RAT
The squirrels are all right. And the rabbits, of course. And then there's Badger. Dear old Badger. Nobody interferes with him. They'd better not.
TOAD
And nobody wouldn't interfere with me neither, if I lived there.
MOLE
Why, who should?
RAT
Well, of course there are others. Weasels and stoats and ferrets, and so on. They're all right in a way. I'm very good friends with them.
TOAD
So am I.
Pass the time of day when we meet and all that. But they break out sometimes, there's no denying it, and then—well, you really can't trust them, and that's a fact. And if they don't like you, they—well, they show it.
TOAD
I wouldn't ask them to Toad Hall, not if they sat up and begged me to. I'm not afraid of them; I just don't like them. They've got no manners, no finesse, if you understand me. Some people are like that, of course. It isn't their fault. You either have finesse, or you haven't. That's how I look at it. Pass the meringues, Mole, there's a good fellow. (But MOLE is staring beyond TOAD at something strange which is approaching, a gaily painted caravan drawn by an old gray horse.)
RAT
What is it, Mole?
MOLE
Whatever's that? (They all turn.)
ALFRED (the horse)
Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you everywhere.
TOAD (excitedly)
Now isn't this lucky? Just at the psycho—psycho—what's the word?
ALFRED (hopefully)
Encyclopedia. That is, if you ask me.
I didn't ask you. Ratty, you know the word.
ALFRED
Introduce me to your friends, won't you? I do get so frightfully left out of it.
TOAD
My friends Mr. Rat and Mr. Mole. This is Alfred.
ALFRED
Pleased to meet you. If you're coming my way, you must
let me take you. Only I do like a little conversation. (To TOAD) Encyclopedia, that was the word you wanted.
RAT (sadly)
So this is the latest?
TOAD (eagerly)
Absolutely the very latest. There isn't a more beautiful one, a more compact one, a more—what's the word?
ALFRED
Heavy.
TOAD
A more up-to-date one, a more—
RAT
So this is the latest craze! I understand. Boating is played out. He's tired of it, and done with it.
Don't blame me. I wasn't consulted about this at all; but if I had been, I should have said boats. Stick to boats.
TOAD
My dear old Ratty, you don't understand. Boating—well, a pleasant amusement for the young. I say nothing against it. But there's real life for you (He waves a paw at the van.) in that little cart. The open road, the dusty highway, the heath, the common, the hedgerows, the rolling downs!
ALFRED
And the ups. However, nobody consults me. Nobody minds what I think.
TOAD (warming to it)
Camps, villages, towns, cities! Here today, up and off to somewhere else tomorrow. Travel, change, interest, excitement. The whole world before you, and a horizon that's always changing.
MOLE (ecstatically)
Oh my! Oh my!
TOAD
And mind, this is the very finest cart of the sort that was ever built, without any exception. Come inside and look at the arrangements, Mole. Planned 'em all myself, I did.
MOLE (timidly to RAT)
We could just look inside, couldn't we? It wouldn't—wouldn't mean anything.
Nothing. Nothing.
RAT (reluctantly)
Oh well, we may as well look at it now we are here. (Sadly) Oh, Toady!
TOAD (leading the way)
All complete! You see: biscuits, potted lobster, sardines, everything you can possibly want. Soda water here, baccy there. (He shows them into the van and then his voice dies away.)
ALFRED (to anybody who is listening)
That's right. Go inside and enjoy yourselves. Talk to each other, tell each other little stories, but don't ask me to join in the conversation. Encyclopedia, that was the word he wanted. I could have told him.
TOAD (emerging)
Bacon, jam, cards, dominoes. You'll find that nothing whatever has been forgotten.
ALFRED (with feeling)
I've noticed it.
TOAD
Well, what do you think of it, Mole?
MOLE
It's lovely!
Glad you like it. What about starting this afternoon?
RAT (slowly)
I beg your pardon. Did I overhear you say something about "starting"?
ALFRED
Starting, that's what he said. I'm not even consulted.
TOAD
Come on, we'll just put the rest of the lunch inside. Come on, Mole, give us a hand.
MOLE (torn between the two of them)
Oh, Ratty!
TOAD
Come on, Ratty, old fellow. This is the real life for a gentleman. Talk about your old river! (He begins packing up the lunch.)
RAT
I don't talk about my river. You know I don't, Toad. But I think it. I think about it all the time.
MOLE (squeezing RAT'S paw)
I'll do whatever you like, Ratty. We won't go. I want to stay with you. And—learn about your river.
RAT
No, no, we'd better see it out now. It wouldn't be safe for him to go off by himself. It won't take long. His crazes never do.
ALFRED
When I was young it was considered bad manners to whisper and leave people out of conversations. (In a loud conversational voice) My own view, since asked, of the climatic conditions, is that the present anti-cyclonic disturbance in the—
TOAD
Here, give us a hand, Mole. . . . That's right. . . . All aboard? Here, we're forgetting the corkscrew. Will you get it? (MOLE trots back for it.) Don't bother. I'll—oh, you've got it. Good. Now then, are we all ready?
ALFRED
No.
TOAD
You get up there, Mole. (MOLE sits on the shaft on one side of the caravan.) You on the other side, Ratty? Or would you rather— (RAT goes to the horse's head.) Oh, are you going to lead him? I will, if you like. Sure you don't mind? Right, then I'll get up here. Now then, right away!
ALFRED (to RAT)
You mark my words. No good will come of this. But don't blame me. That's all. Don't blame me afterwards. Psychological, that was the word he wanted. Not encyclopedia. I thought it seemed funny somehow. Psychological.
(The caravan goes out.)
Down with the popular, successful Toad!
CHIEF FERRET
Oh, may his bathroom cistern spring a leak!
CHIEF WEASEL
On Sunday morning may his collar squeak!
CHIEF STOAT
May all his laces tie themselves in knots.
CHIEF FERRET
And may his fountain pen make frequent blots!
May he forget to wind his watch at night.
CHIEF STOAT
And may his dancing pumps be much too tight!
THE FERRETS
Every ill which Toad inherits
Will be welcomed by the Ferrets.
ALL
Down with Toad! Down with Toad!
THE WEASELS
Day and night the elder Weasels
Hope that he will have the measles.
ALL
Down with Toad! Down with Toad!
THE STOATS
How the happy little Stoats
Laugh when he is off his oats!
ALL
Down with Toad! Down with Toad!
Toad! Toad! Down with Toad!
Down with the popular, successful Toad!
(It grows dark again. The WILD WOODERS can still be heard chanting their diabolical refrain, but they can no longer be seen. There is a loud clap of thunder; it is daylight again. The WILD WOODERS have vanished. Then the "poop-poop" of a motor car is heard, followed by a loud crash. Suddenly in comes a violently excited ALFRED, the broken ends of the shafts attached to him, but no caravan. MOLE follows.)
MOLE (soothingly to ALFRED)
There, there. There, there. (But ALFRED refuses to "there, there!" He careers round the stage, pursued by the conciliatory MOLE.) There, there. It's all right, Alfred. (Very reassuringly) It's all right.
RAT (turning and shaking his fist at something)
You villains! You scoundrels, you highwaymen, you—you—
ALFRED (still gyrating)
Road hogs. That's the word. Always come to me if you want the right word. Road hogs.
RAT
You road hogs! I'll have the law of you. Rushing about the country at fifty miles an hour! I'll write to all the papers about you! I'll take you through all the courts! (Turning anxiously to TOAD) How are you feeling now, Toady? Mole, come and give us a hand with poor old Toad. I'm afraid he's pretty bad.
There, there. That's all right now, isn't it? (Going to RAT) Poor old Toad. (He takes his other arm, and together he and RAT conduct the dazed one to a grassy bank and sit him gently down.)
ALFRED
I said that no good would come of it, and now you see. A cataclysm, that's what the whole thing's been.
RAT (anxiously)
Speak to us, Toady, old man. How is it?
TOAD (staring in front of him with a rapt expression)
Poop-poop! Poop-poop! Poop-poop!
MOLE
What's he saying?
RAT
I think he thinks he's the motor car.
TOAD
Poop-poop!
MOLE (soothingly)
It's all right, Mr. Toad. It's all right now.
RAT
We'll make 'em sit up, Toad. We'll have the law of 'em. We'll get you another little cart. We'll make 'em pay for it.
Another! Oh, thank you, thank you, not at all, don't mention it, only too delighted.
TOAD
Poop-poop! (Raptly he speaks.) Glorious, stirring sight! The poetry of motion. The real way to travel. The only way to travel. Here today, in the middle of next week tomorrow. Villages skipped, towns and cities jumped. Always somebody else's horizon. Oh bliss, oh rapture! Oh poop-poop!
RAT
Oh, stop being an ass, Toad.
TOAD (dreamily)
And to think that I never knew. All those wasted years that lie behind me, I never knew, never even dreamt. But now that I know, now that I fully realize—ah, now! Oh, what a flowery track lies spread before me henceforth. What savory dust clouds shall spring up behind me as I speed on my restless way, what luscious and entrancing smells. What carts I shall fling carelessly into the ditch in the wake of my magnificent onset. Horrid little carts, common carts, canary-colored carts!
RAT
Now look here, Toad, pull yourself together. We'll go to the police station and see if they know anything about that motor car, and then we'll lodge a complaint against the owners, and we'll go to a wheelwright's and have the cart fetched and mended and put to rights, and we'll—
Police station? Complaint? Me complain of that beautiful, that heavenly vision which has been vouchsafed me? Mend the cart? I've done with carts forever. Horrid little carts, common carts, canary-colored carts!
MOLE (hopelessly)
What are we to do with him?
TOAD
Oh, Ratty. Oh, my good friend Mr. Mole. You can't think how obliged I am to you for coming with me on this glorious trip. I wouldn't have gone without you, and then I might never have seen that—that swan, that star, that thunderbolt. I might never have heard that entrancing sound, nor smelt that bewitching smell. I owe it all to you, my dear, my very dear friends.
RAT (sadly)
I see what it is. I recognize the symptoms. He is in the grip of a new craze.
(Faintly the FERRETS and the STOATS and the WEASELS are heard singing "Down with Toad! Down with Toad! Down with the popular, successful Toad!")
TOAD (raptly)
Poop-poop!
RAT (to MOLE)
Well, come along. Let's get him home.
Come on, Alfred.
ALFRED (sadly)
One of the most distressing cases which has come under our notice. Very sad. Very sad.
TOAD
Poop-poop!