Translation talk:What I Believe/Introduction

Alternative translation by User:EarthlyFireFlies

I am fifty-five years old and, with the exception of the fourteen or fifteen years of my childhood, I have been until recently a “Nihilist” in the true meaning of the word, i.e. I have not been a Socialist or Revolutionist, but a Nihilist in the sense of being completely without faith.

Five years ago I believed in the teaching of Christ, and suddenly my life has changed. I now no longer care for the things that I had prized, and I have begun to desire that which I had formerly been indifferent to. The causes which seemed worthy of respect to me before, now appeared unworthy, and what seemed bad before appeared to be good now. What happened to me was like what happens to a man who, going out on business, on his way suddenly realizes that he absolutely does not need that business and turns around. And all that was to the right is now to the left, and all that was to the left is now to the right. His wish to be as far from home as possible is changed to the desire of being as near home as possible. The whole direction of my life has changed; my desires have become different: good and evil have changed places. This experience came through my apprehending the teaching of Christ in an altogether different way compared to how I understood it earlier.

It is not my intention to interpret the teaching of Christ, but simply to relate how I came to understand the simplest, clearest, intelligible, the most undoubtful, and addressing all people meaning in the teaching; and how that, which I had grasped, gave a new direction to all my thoughts, and provided me with peacefulness and happiness.

I have no wish to interpret the teaching of Christ, but I should like to prevent others from interpreting it wrongly. Christian churches generally acknowledge that all men, however they may differ from each other in knowledge or mental capacity, are equal before God; and that the truth revealed to man is accessible to all. Christ Himself has told us that the Father has hidden some things ‘from the wise and prudent, and revealed them to the unaware.’

All men cannot be initiated into the mysteries of dogmatic, homiletic, and patristic theologies, and so on, but everybody can understand what Christ taught to all millions of simple and ignorant men. This is what Christ told all these simple people, who didn’t have an opportunity to get explanations of his teaching from Paul, Clement, Zlatoust and others; his meaning was incomprehensible to me, too, but I understand it now, and that’s what I want to explain to all people.

The thief on the cross believed in Christ and was saved. Would it have harmed anybody if the thief had not died on the cross, but had come down to tell us how he believed in Christ?

Like the thief on the cross, I, too, believed in the teaching of Christ, and found my salvation in it. This is not a far-fetched comparison; it is the closest description of the condition of anguish and despair I was once in at the thought of life and of death, and it also indicates the peace and happiness that now fill my soul.

Like the thief, I knew that my life was full of wickedness; I saw that the greater part of those around me were morally no better than I was. Like the thief, too, I knew that I was unhappy, and that I suffered; and that all around me were unhappy and suffering likewise, and I saw no way out of this state of misery but through death.

Like the thief, I was nailed, as it were by some invisible power, to this life of suffering and evil; and the same dreadful darkness of death that awaited the thief, after his useless suffering and enduring of the evils of life, awaited me.

In all this I was like the thief, but there was this difference between us: he was dying, and I still lived. The thief could believe that his salvation would be realized beyond the grave, but I could not; because, putting aside the life beyond the grave, I had yet to live on earth. I did not, however, understand life. It seemed awful to me until I heard the words of Christ and understood them; and then life and death no longer seemed to be evils; instead of despair I felt the joy of possessing a life that death has no power to destroy.

Can it harm anyone if I relate how it was that this change was effected in me?