Vice Versa/Chapter 2

by F. Anstey

'Magnaque numinibus vota exaudita malignis.'

Mr. Bultitude put on his glasses to examine the stone more carefully, for it was some time since he had last seen or thought about it. Then he looked up and said once more, 'What use would a thing like this be to you?'

Dick would have considered it a very valuable prize indeed; he could have exhibited it to admiring friends—during lessons, of course, when it would prove a most agreeable distraction; he could have played with and fingered it incessantly, invented astonishing legends of its powers and virtues; and, at last, when he had grown tired of it, have bartered it for any more desirable article that might take his fancy. All these advantages were present to his mind in a vague shifting form, but he could not find either courage or words to explain them.

Consequently he only said awkwardly, 'Oh, I don't know, I should like it.'

'Well, any way,' said Paul, 'you certainly won't have it. It's worth keeping, whatever it is, as the only thing your uncle Marmaduke was ever known to give to anybody.'

Marmaduke Paradine, his brother-in-law, was not a connection of whom he had much reason to feel particularly proud. One of those persons endowed with what are known as 'insinuating manners and address,' he had, after some futile attempts to enter the army, been sent out to Bombay as agent for a Manchester firm, and in that capacity had contrived to be mixed up in some more than shady transactions with rival exporters and native dealers up the country, which led to an unceremonious dismissal by his employers.

He had brought home the stone from India as a propitiatory token of remembrance, more portable and less expensive than the lacquered cabinets, brasses, stuffs and carved work which are expected from friends at such a distance, and he had been received with pardon and started once more, until certain other proceedings of his, shadier still, had obliged Paul to forbid him the house at Westbourne Terrace.

Since then little had been heard of him, and the reports which reached Mr. Bultitude of his disreputable relative's connection with the promotion of a series of companies of the kind affected by the widow and curate, and exposed in money articles and law courts, gave him no desire to renew his acquaintance.

'Isn't it a talisman, though?' said Dick, rather unfortunately for any hopes he might have of persuading his father to entrust him with the coveted treasure.

'I'm sure I can't tell you,' yawned Paul, 'how do you mean?'

'I don't know, only Uncle Duke once said something about it. Barbara heard him tell mamma. I say, perhaps it's like the one in Scott, and cures people of things, though I don't think it's that sort of talisman either, because I tried it once on my chilblains, and it wasn't a bit of good. If you would only let me have it, perhaps I might find out, you know.'

'You might,' said his father drily, apparently not much influenced by this inducement, 'but you won't have the chance. If it has a secret, I will find it out for myself' (he little knew how literally he was to be taken at his word), 'and, by the way, there's your cab—at last.'

There was a sound of wheels outside, and, as Dick heard them, he grew desperate in his extremity; a wish he had long secretly cherished unspoken, without ever hoping for courage to give it words, rose to his lips now; he got up and moved timidly towards his father.

'Father,' he said, 'there's something I want to say to you so much before I go. Do let me ask you now.'

'Well, what is it?' said Paul. 'Make haste, you haven't much time.'

'It's this. I want you to—to let me leave Grimstone's at the end of the term.'

Paul stared at him, angry and incredulous, 'Let you leave Dr. Grimstone's (oblige me by giving him his full title when you speak of him),' he said slowly. 'Why, what do you mean? It's an excellent school—never saw a better expressed prospectus in my life. And my old friend Bangle, Sir Benjamin Bangle, who's a member of the School Board, and ought to know something about schools, strongly recommended it—would have sent his own son there, if he hadn't entered him at Eton. And when I pay for most of the extras for you too. Dancing, by Gad, and meat for breakfast. I'm sure I don't know what you would have.'

'I'd like to go to Marlborough, or Harrow, or somewhere,' whimpered Dick. 'Jolland's going to Harrow at Easter. (Jolland's one of the fellows at Grimstone's—Dr. Grimstone's I mean.) And what does old Bangle know about it? He has'n't got to go there himself! And—and Grimstone's jolly enough to fellows he likes, but he doesn't like me—he's always sitting on me for something—and I hate some of the fellows there, and altogether it's beastly. Do let me leave! If you don't want me to go to a public school, I—I could stop at home and have a private tutor—like Joe Twitterley!'

'It's all ridiculous nonsense, I tell you,' said Paul angrily, 'ridiculous nonsense! And, once for all, I'll put a stop to it. I don't approve of public schools for boys like you, and, what's more, I can't afford it. As for private tutors, that's absurd! So you will just make up your mind to stay at Crichton House as long as I think proper to keep you there, and there's an end of that!'

At this final blow to all his hopes, Dick began to sob in a subdued hopeless kind of way, which was more than his father could bear. To do Paul justice, he had not meant to be quite so harsh when the boy was about to set out for school, and, a little ashamed of his irritation, he sought to justify his decision.

He chose to do this by delivering a short homily on the advantages of school, by which he might lead Dick to look on the matter in the calm light of reason and common sense, and commonplaces on the subject began to rise to the surface of his mind, from the rather muddy depths to which they had long since sunk.

He began to give Dick the benefit of all this stagnant wisdom, with a feeling of surprise as he went on, at his own powerful and original way of putting things.

'Now, you know, it's no use to cry like that,' he began. 'It's—ah—the usual thing for boys at school, I'm quite aware, to go about fancying they're very ill-used, and miserable, and all the rest of it, just as if people in my position had their sons educated out of spite! It's one of those petty troubles all boys have to go through. And you mark my words, my boy, when they go out into the world and have real trials to put up with, and grow middle-aged men, like me, why, they see what fools they've been, Dick; they see what fools they've been. All the—hum, the innocent games and delights of boyhood, and that sort of thing, you know—come back to them—and then they look back to those hours passed at school as the happiest, aye, the very happiest time of their life!'

'Well,' said Dick, 'then I hope it won't be the happiest time in mine, that's all! And you may have been happy at the school you went to, perhaps, but I don't believe you would very much care about being a boy again like me, and going back to Grimstone's, you know you wouldn't!'

This put Paul on his mettle; he had warmed well to his subject, and could not let this open challenge pass unnoticed—it gave him such an opening for a cheap and easy effect.

He still had the stone in his hand as he sank back into his chair, smiling with a tolerant superiority.

'Perhaps you will believe me,' he said, impressively, 'when I tell you, old as I am and much as you envy me, I only wish, at this very moment, I could be a boy again, like you. Going back to school wouldn't make me unhappy, I can tell you.'

It is so fatally easy to say more than we mean in the desire to make as strong an impression as possible. Well for most of us that—more fortunate than Mr. Bultitude—we can generally do so without fear of being taken too strictly at our word.

As he spoke these unlucky words, he felt a slight shiver, followed by a curious shrinking sensation all over him. It was odd, too, but the arm-chair in which he sat seemed to have grown so much bigger all at once. He felt a passing surprise, but concluded it must be fancy, and went on as comfortably as before.

'I should like it, my boy, but what's the good of wishing? I only mention it to prove that I was not speaking at random. I'm an old man and you're a young boy, and, that being so, why, of course— What the dooce are you giggling about?'

For Dick, after some seconds of half-frightened open-mouthed staring, had suddenly burst into a violent fit of almost hysterical giggling, which he seemed trying vainly to suppress.

This naturally annoyed Mr. Bultitude, and he went on with immense dignity, 'I—ah—I'm not aware that I've been saying anything particularly ridiculous. You seem to be amused?'

'Don't!' gasped Dick. 'It, it isn't anything you're saying—it's, it's—oh, can't you feel any difference?'

'The sooner you go back to school the better!' said Paul angrily. 'I wash my hands of you. When I do take the trouble to give you any advice, it's received with ridicule. You always were an ill-mannered little cub. I've had quite enough of this. Leave the room, sir!'

The wheels must have belonged to some other cab, for none had stopped at the pavement as yet; but Mr. Bultitude was justly indignant, and could stand the interview no longer. Dick, however, made no attempt to move; he remained there, choking and shaking with laughter, while his father sat stiffly on his chair, trying to ignore his son's unmannerly conduct, but only partially succeeding.

No one can calmly endure watching other people laughing at him like idiots, while he is left perfectly incapable of guessing what he has said or done to amuse them. Even when this is known, it requires a peculiarly keen sense of humour to see the point of a joke against oneself.

At last his patience gave out, and he said coldly, 'Now, perhaps, if you are quite yourself again, you will be good enough to let me know what the joke is?'

Dick, looking flushed and half-ashamed, tried again and again to speak, but each time the attempt was too much for him. After a time he did succeed, but his voice was hoarse and shaken with laughter as he spoke. 'Haven't you found it out yet? Go and look at yourself in the glass—it will make you roar!'

There was the usual narrow sheet of plate glass at the back of the sideboard, and to this Mr. Bultitude walked, almost under protest, and with a cold dignity. It occurred to him that he might have a smudge on his face or something wrong with his collar and tie—something to account to some extent for his son's frivolous and insulting behaviour. No suspicion of the terrible truth crossed his mind as yet.

Meanwhile Dick was looking on eagerly with a chuckle of anticipation, as one who watches the dawning appreciation of an excellent joke.

But no sooner had Paul met the reflection in the glass than he started back in incredulous horror—then returned and stared again and again.

Surely, surely, this could not be he!

He had expected to see his own familiar portly bow-windowed presence there—but somehow, look as he would, the mirror insisted upon reflecting the figure of his son Dick. Could he possibly have become invisible and have lost the power of casting a reflection—or how was it that Dick, and only Dick, was to be seen there?

How was it, too, when he looked round, there was the boy still sitting there? It could not be Dick, evidently, that he saw in the glass. Besides, the reflection opposite him moved when he moved, returned when he returned, copied his every gesture!

He turned round upon his son with angry and yet hopeful suspicion. 'You, you've been playing some of your infernal tricks with this mirror, sir,' he cried fiercely. 'What have you done to it?'

'Done! how could I do anything to it? As if you didn't know that!'

'Then,' stammered Paul, determined to know the worst, 'then do you, do you mean to tell me you can see any—alteration in me? Tell me the truth now!'

'I should just think I could!' said Dick emphatically. 'It's very queer, but just look here,' and he came up to the sideboard and placed himself by the side of his horrified father. 'Why,' he said, with another giggle, 'we're—he-he—as like as two peas!'

They were indeed; the glass reflected now two small boys, each with chubby cheeks and auburn hair, both dressed, too, exactly alike, in Eton jackets and broad white collars; the only difference to be seen between them was that, while one face wore an expression of intense glee and satisfaction, the other—the one which Mr. Bultitude was beginning to fear must belong to him—was lengthened and drawn with dismay and bewilderment.

'Dick,' said Paul faintly, 'what is all this? Who has been, been taking these liberties with me?'

'I'm sure I don't know,' protested Dick. 'It wasn't me. I believe you did it all yourself.'

'Did it all myself!' repeated Paul indignantly. 'Is it likely I should? It's some trickery, I tell you, some villanous plot. The worst of it is,' he added plaintively, 'I don't understand who I'm supposed to be now. Dick, who am I?'

'You can't be me,' said Dick, 'because here I am, you know. And you're not yourself, that's very plain. You must be somebody, I suppose,' he added dubiously.

'Of course I am. What do you mean?' said Paul angrily. 'Never mind who I am. I feel just the same as I always did. Tell me when you first began to notice any change. Could you see it coming on at all, eh?'

'It was all at once, just as you were talking about school and all that. You said you only wished—— Why of course; look here, it must be the stone that did it!'

'Stone! what stone?' said Paul. 'I don't know what you're talking about.'

'Yes, you do—the Garudâ Stone! You've got it in your hand still. Don't you see? It's a real talisman after all! How jolly!'

'I didn't do anything to set it off; and besides, oh, it's perfectly absurd! How can there be such things as talismans nowadays, eh? Tell me that.'

'Well, something's happened to you, hasn't it? And it must have been done somehow,' argued Dick.

'I was holding the confounded thing, certainly,' said Paul, 'here it is. But what could I have said to start it? What has it done this to me for?'

'I know!' cried Dick. 'Don't you remember? You said you wished you were a boy again, like me. So you are, you see, exactly like me! What a lark it is, isn't it? But, I say, you can't go up to business like that, you know, can you? I tell you what, you'd better come to Grimstone's with me now, and see how you like it. I shouldn't mind so much if you came too. Grimstone's face would be splendid when he saw two of us. Do come!'

'That's ridiculous nonsense you're talking,' said Paul, 'and you know it. What should I do at school at my age? I tell you I'm the same as ever inside, though I may have shrunk into a little rascally boy to look at. And it's simply an abominable nuisance, Dick, that's what it is! Why on earth couldn't you let the stone alone? Just see what mischief you've done by meddling now—put me to all this inconvenience!'

'You shouldn't have wished,' said Dick.

'Wished!' echoed Mr. Bultitude. 'Why, to be sure,' he said, with a gleam of returning hopefulness, 'of course—I never thought of that. The thing's a wishing stone; it must be! You have to hold it, I suppose, and then say what you wish aloud, and there you are. If that's the case, I can soon put it all right by simply wishing myself back again. I—I shall have a good laugh at all this by and by—I know I shall!'

He took the stone, and got into a corner by himself where he began repeating the words, 'I wish I was back again,' 'I wish I was the man I was five minutes ago,' 'I wish all this had not happened,' and so on, until he was very exhausted and red in the face. He tried with the stone held in his left hand, as well as his right, sitting and standing, under all the various conditions he could think of, but absolutely nothing came of it; he was just as exasperatingly boyish and youthful as ever at the end of it.

'I don't like this,' he said at last, giving it up with a rather crestfallen air. 'It seems to me that this diabolical invention has got out of order somehow; I can't make it work any more!'

'Perhaps,' suggested Dick, who had shown throughout the most unsympathetic cheerfulness, 'perhaps it's one of those talismans that only give you one wish, and you've had it, you know?'

'Then it's all over!' groaned Paul. 'What the dooce am I to do? What shall I do? Suggest something, for Heaven's sake; don't stand cackling there in that unfeeling manner. Can't you see what a terrible, mess I've got into? Suppose—only suppose your sister or one of the servants were to come in, and see me like this!'

This suggestion simply enchanted Dick. 'Let's have 'em all up,' he laughed; 'it would be such fun! How they will laugh when we tell them!' And he rushed to the bell.

'Touch that bell if you dare!' screamed Paul. 'I won't be seen in this condition by anybody! What on earth could have induced that scoundrelly uncle of yours to bring such a horrible thing as this over I can't imagine! I never heard of such a situation as this in my life. I can't stay like this, you know—it's not to be thought of! I—I wonder whether it would be any use to send over to Dr. Bustard and ask him to step in; he might give me something to bring me round. But then the whole neighbourhood would hear about it! If I don't see my way out of this soon, I shall go raving mad!'

And he paced restlessly up and down the room with his brain on fire.

All at once, as he became able to think more coherently, there occurred to him a chance, slender and desperate enough, but still a chance, of escaping even yet the consequences of his folly.

He was forced to conclude that, however improbable and fantastic it might appear in this rationalistic age, there must be some hidden power in this Garudâ Stone which had put him in his present very unpleasant position. It was plain too that the virtues of the talisman refused to exert themselves any more at his bidding.

But it did not follow that in another's hands the spell would remain as powerless. At all events, it was an experiment well worth the trial, and he lost no time in explaining the notion to Dick, who, by the sparkle in his eyes and suppressed excitement in his manner, seemed to think there might be something in it.

'I may as well try,' he said, 'give it to me.'

'Take it, my dear boy,' said Paul, with a paternal air that sorely tried Dick's recovered gravity, it contrasted so absurdly with his altered appearance. 'Take it, and wish your poor old father himself again!'

Dick took it, and held it thoughtfully for some moments, while Paul waited in nervous impatience. 'Isn't it any use?' he said dolefully at last, as nothing happened.

'I don't know,' said Dick calmly, 'I haven't wished yet.'

'Then do so at once,' said Paul fussily, 'do so at once. There's no time to waste, every moment is of importance—your cab will be here directly. Although, although I'm altered in this ridiculous way, I hope I still retain my authority as a father, and as a father, by Gad, I expect you to obey me, sir!'

'Oh, all right,' said Dick indifferently, 'you may keep the authority if you like.'

'Then do what I tell you. Can't you see how urgent it is that a scandal like this shouldn't get about? I should be the laughing-stock of the city. Not a soul must ever guess that such a thing has happened. You must see that yourself.'

'Yes,' said Dick, who all this time was sitting on a corner of the table, swinging his legs, 'I see that. It will be all right. I'm going to wish in a minute, and no one will guess there has been anything the matter.'

'That's a good boy!' said Paul, much relieved, 'I know your heart is in the right place—only do make haste.'

'I suppose,' Dick asked, 'when you are yourself again, things would go on just as usual?'

'I—I hope so.'

'I mean you will go on sitting here, and I shall go off to Grimstone's?'

'Of course, of course,' said Paul; 'don't ask so many questions. I'm sure you quite understand what has to be done, so get on. We might be found like this any minute.'

'That settles it,' said Dick, 'any fellow would do it after that.'

'Yes, yes, but you're so slow about it!'

'Don't be in a hurry,' said Dick, 'you mayn't like it after all when I've done it.'

'Done what?' asked Mr. Bultitude sharply, struck by something sinister and peculiar in the boy's manner.

'Well, I don't mind telling you,' said Dick, 'it's fairer. You see, you wished to be a boy just like me, didn't you?'

'I didn't mean it,' protested Paul.

'Ah, you couldn't expect a stone to know that; at any rate, it made you into a boy like me directly. Now, if I wish myself a man just like you were ten minutes ago, before you took the stone, that will put things all right again, won't it?'

'Is the boy mad?' cried Paul, horrified at this proposal. 'Why, why, that would be worse than ever!'

'I don't see that,' objected Dick, stubbornly. 'No one would know anything about it then.'

'But, you little blockhead, can't I make you understand? It wouldn't do at all. We should both of us be wrong then—each with the other's personal appearance.'

'Well,' said Dick blandly, 'I shouldn't mind that.'

'But I should—I mind very much. I object strongly to such a—such a preposterous arrangement. And what's more, I won't have it. Do you hear, I forbid you to think of any such thing. Give me back that stone. I can't trust you with it after this.'

'I can't help it,' said Dick doggedly. 'You've had your wish, and I don't see why I shouldn't have mine. I mean to have it, too.'

'Why, you unnatural little rascal!' cried the justly-enraged father, 'do you mean to defy me? I tell you I will have that stone! Give it up this instant!' and he made a movement towards his son, as if he meant to recover the talisman by main force.

But Dick was too quick for him. Slipping off the table with great agility, he planted himself firmly on the hearth-rug, with the hand that held the stone clenched behind his back, and the other raised in self-defence.

'I'd much rather you wouldn't make me hit you, you know,' he said, 'because, in spite of what's happened, you're still my father, I suppose. But if you interfere with me before I've done with this stone, I'm afraid I shall have to punch your head.'

Mr. Bultitude retreated a few steps apprehensively, feeling himself no match for his son, except in size and general appearance; and for some moments of really frightful intensity they stood panting on the hearth-rug, each cautiously watching the other, on his guard against stratagem and surprise.

It was one of those painful domestic scenes which are fortunately rare between father and son.

Overhead, the latest rollicking French polka was being rattled out, with a savage irony of which pianos, even by the best makers, can at times be capable.

Suddenly Dick drew himself up. 'Stand out of my way!' he cried excitedly, 'I am going to do it. I wish I was a man like you were just now!'

And as he spoke, Mr. Bultitude had the bitterness of seeing his unscrupulous son swell out like the frog in the fable, till he stood there before him the exact duplicate of what Paul had so lately been!

The transformed Dick began to skip and dance round the room in high glee, with as much agility as his increased bulk would allow. 'It's all right, you see,' he said. 'The old stone's as good as ever. You can't say anyone would ever know, to look at us.'

And then he threw himself panting into a chair, and began to laugh excitedly at the success of his unprincipled manœuvre.

As for Paul, he was perfectly furious at having been so outwitted and overreached. It was a long time before he could command his voice sufficiently to say, savagely: 'Well, you've had your way, and a pretty mess you've made of it. We're both of us in false positions now. I hope you're satisfied, I'm sure. Do you think you'll care about going back to Crichton House in that state?'

'No,' said Dick, very decidedly: 'I'm quite sure I shouldn't.'

'Well, I can't help it. You've brought it on yourself; and, provided the Doctor sees no objection to take you back as you are and receive you as one of his pupils, I shall most certainly send you there.'

Paul did not really mean this, he only meant to frighten him; for he still trusted that, by letting Boaler into the secret, the charm might be set in motion once more, and the difficulty comfortably overcome. But his threat had a most unfortunate effect upon Dick; it hardened him to take a course he might otherwise have shrunk from.

'Oh,' he said, 'you're going to do that? But doesn't it strike you that things are rather altered with us now?'

'They are, to a certain extent, of course,' said Paul, 'through my folly and your wicked cunning; but a word or two of explanation from me——'

'You'll find it will take more explanation than you think,' said Dick; 'but, of course, you can try, if you think it worth while—when you get to Grimstone's.'

'When I,—I don't understand. When I,—what did you say?' gasped Paul.

'Why, you see,' exclaimed Dick, 'it would never have done for us both to go back; the chaps would have humbugged us so, and as I hate the place and you seem so fond of being a boy and going back to school and that, I thought perhaps it would be best for you to go and see how you liked it!'

'I never will! I'll not stir from this room! I dare you to try to move me!' cried Paul. And just then there was the sound of wheels outside once more. They stopped before the house, the bell rang sharply—the long-expected cab had come at last.

'You've no time to lose,' said Dick, 'get your coat on.'

Mr. Bultitude tried to treat the affair as a joke. He laughed a ghastly little laugh.

'Ha! ha! you've fairly caught your poor father this time; you've proved him in the wrong. I admit I said more than I exactly meant. But that's enough. Don't drive a good joke too far; shake hands, and let us see if we can't find a way out of this!'

But Dick only warmed his coat tails at the fire as he said, with a very ungenerous reminiscence of his father's manner: 'You are going back to an excellent establishment, where you will enjoy all the comforts of home—I can specially recommend the stickjaw; look out for it on Tuesdays and Fridays. You will once more take part in the games and lessons of happy boyhood. (Did you ever play 'chevy' when you were a boy before? You'll enjoy chevy.) And you will find your companions easy enough to get on with, if you don't go giving yourself airs; they won't stand airs. Now good-bye, my boy, and bless you!'

Paul stood staring stupidly at this outrageous assumption; he could scarcely believe yet that it was meant in cruel earnest. Before he could answer, the door opened and Boaler appeared.

'Had a deal of trouble to find a keb, sir, on a night like this,' he said to the false Dick, 'but the luggage is all on top, and the man says there's plenty of time still.'

'Good-bye then, my boy,' said Dick, with well-assumed tenderness, but a rather dangerous light in his eye. 'Remember, I expect you to work.'

Paul turned indignantly from him to the butler; he, at least, would stand by him. Boaler would not see a master who had always been fair, if not indulgent, to him driven from his home in this cold-blooded manner!

He made two or three attempts to speak, for his brain whirled so with scathing, burning things to say. He would expose the fraud then and there, and defy the impudent usurper; he would warn every one against this spurious pinchbeck imitation of himself. The whole household should be summoned and called upon to judge between the two!

No doubt, if he had had enough self-command to do all this effectually, while Dick had as yet not had the time thoroughly to adapt himself to his altered circumstances, he might have turned the situation at the outset, and spared himself some very painful experiences.

But it is very often precisely those words which are the most vitally important to be said that refuse to pass our lips on a sudden emergency. We feel all the necessity of saying something at once, but the necessary words unaccountably desert us at the critical moment.

Mr. Bultitude felt himself in this unfortunate position. He made more wild efforts to explain, but the sense of his danger only petrified his mind instead of stimulating it. Then he was spared further conflict. A dark mist rose before his eyes; the walls of the room receded into infinite space; and, with a loud singing in his ears, he fell, and seemed to himself to be sinking down, down, through the earth to the very crust of the antipodes. Then the blackness closed over him—and he knew no more.