A Trip to the Moon/Chapter 3
CHAP. III.
The King upon notice of my Recovery, gave Orders that I shou'd be brought before him; upon which I desir'd the Advice of Tckbrff: He told me first that the King, who was an absolute Monarch, was an ambitious Tyrant, he was one that never troubled himself about the Good of his People; but if ever their Interest interfered with his even unlawful Diversions, it was entirely neglected; he was a great Lover of Pleasure, and of every thing that was new, which he was pleas'd to call polite Learning, (tho' he was often fond of, and encourag'd the greatest Absurdities); an Instance of which he gave me, in the Preferment of one to great Posts of Trust, who had only propos'd to make the Rays of Light palpable to the Hands; out of which, when his Design was perfected, he intended that an Apartment for the King shou'd be built; and altho' the failing in a Project was to be punish'd with Death, where the Projectors were such Fools as to confess their Disappointment, yet this Man requir'd such a long Time, and so great Expences, that he was sure to outlive his Proposals. He had, however, amus'd the King with an odd Account of the Means he wou'd make use of, and made them so unintelligible by the help of the Mathematicks, that he was believ'd to mean honestly, and a Pension was settled on him for effecting his Design. The Rays of Light were to be let into a dark Room, one by one, thro' Holes equal to their Bulk, which he affirmed he was well acquainted with. Here was a Mathematical Demonstration of an Hour long, which I omit for the Reader's sake. They were then to be refracted ninety-nine times by passing thro' different Mediums, which wou'd weaken their Force so much, that they might be at length fix'd in a Liquor which he had prepar'd for that purpose; and when the vacant Interstices of the Liquor were fill'd with them, (for he asserted that there was a Vacuum) by Chymical Operations, he wou'd gather them into Vessels to be reserv'd, till he got enough of all Colours for erecting the Building. The Cement which he propos'd for them, was Cartesius's subtle Matter, which might be gather'd by Sheets daub'd with a bituminous Substance, compounded of the Effluvia of certain Bodies, whose Virtues he was well acquainted with. Those Sheets were to be hung in the open Air till the subtle Matter had cover'd them; then they were to be boil'd in Vessels hermetically seal'd 'till the subtle Matter had stuck to the Tops of them, whence it might be taken and laid by for use. This short Account he gave of one among the many famous Men who were then at Court.
I desir'd to know In what manner I was to approach his Majesty; and was told, that since I was a Foreigner, the most proper Method wou'd be to walk upon my Hands with my Heels upwards, that the King might have the better Opinion of my Abilities; and was assur'd, that the Novelty of the Thing wou'd be very acceptable. I lik'd the Proposal, and was two Days in learning to walk in that manner; during which Time I pretended not to be throughly recover'd, and fed only upon learned Books in their Language prepar'd as before. I voided nothing by way of Excrement all the while I liv'd upon Books, but a few false Concords, which cou'd not subsist within me, on account of a Meal I had made upon Criticisms.
When the Time came that I was to appear before his Majesty, I was conduced by Tckbrff to the Palace to wait 'till I was call'd for. While I was attending the King's Levee, I could not but make many Observations upon the strange Behaviour of the Courtiers, whose different Passions and Interests I cou'd easily discern. I saw a Fox and a Calf accosting each other with great Civility, tho' I am certain that they were inveterate Enemies: But their manner of Salutation, which seem'd a little extraordinary, may perhaps be worth the Reader's notice. They bow'd most courteously to each other at first sight, which continued 'till they had the Happiness to shake Hands; I expected that a Kiss wou'd ensue, but it seems the Gentlemen were better bred; for, upon shaking Hands, each apply'd his Nose to the Posteriors of the other; where, after they had regal'd their Sense of Smelling for a few Moments, they began to express their Hatred for one another in the most obliging Terms. Tckbrff, as learned as he was, and to whom I am much indebted, cou'd not give me a natural Reason for this manner of Compliment, which was peculiar to Men of high Rank; for the common People affected Cleanliness in that Case, and made use of joining their Lips to those of their Friends upon meeting. He told me indeed, that the joining of the Lips of Friends was founded in Nature, and bore an Hieroglyphical Meaning. For since it is by what proceeds from the Mouth, that a Man is well or ill reputed of; and that we cannot judge of all Men by their Writings; that the greater part of Mankind know not how to write, it is evident that Nature, which operates by the most general and compendious Ways, hath taught us to join our Lips in Friendship, where two Persons should be resolv'd to agree in their Sentiments, and submit to the most powerful Reasons that shall be pronounc'd by either with respect to some Truth or Truths wherein they are both concern'd; as when two Brothers meet, they should both be resolv'd before-hand to agree in this, that the Welfare of their Parents was to be desir'd and promoted by them to the utmost of their Power; the joining of Lips intimating a Conformity of Opinions, which thro' the Lips were to be convey'd. But the Deference which Tckbrff paid to Courtiers, as being Men of Power and Learning, made him incapable of assigning a Reason for their smelling to the Back-parts upon meeting; and his Instructions had so far prevail'd upon me, that I dar'd not even to think, during my stay among them, so as that I might not be favourably understood by any indifferent Person, had I express'd my Meaning in Words. But since I came to my own Country, I began to think as freely as my Neighbours, and examine many Things in the Moon by English Rules, particularly the manner of Salutation among Courtiers just mentioned. I believe that they well knowing that thro' the Fundament the most stinking Excrement is convey; and that the Intention, as well as Habit of Body, may from its Smell, Shape, and Colour, be guess'd at, have, to avoid needless Expressions, such as How do you do, wisely made use of this Method to inform themselves I am sensible that some ill-meaning Persons may say, that this Salute is very like that used by two Irish Curs, when each suspects the other to differ from him in Sex, and hopes he may prove a Bitch. But those Gentlemen may be pleas'd to consider, that both the Persons mentioned were really Brutes, and that this Compliment pass'd between them purely out of Complaisance; tho' I cannot affirm it for certain Truth; or else my own Solution of the Matter might satisfy, I think, an unprejudic'd Person.
But to return from this Digression: While I was entertaining my self with Reflections on the Behaviour of those People, notice was given me that his Majesty was at leisure to look at me; I instantly inverted my Body, and began to move upon my Hands after my Guide, but had much difficulty in my Passage; for the Courtiers press'd so hard to view me in this uncommon Posture, that they often trod upon my Fingers. At length I came into the King's Presence, where I met with different Treatment at first from what I expected; for after that I had made the greatest Protestations of my Fidelity and Readiness to serve him in the Court Dialect, he told me, with a Frown, that he took me for an Impostor, who, to carry on some Designs against the State, and prevent my being readily known, had appear'd in that manner. He added, that I must certainly be a Scusmlr, (which Word, in our Language, signifies a Man of Law, if you interpret it literally) or one that undertook to prove both Sides of a Question, since I had now made it doubtful, which End of a Man ought to be uppermost; and concluded that I should be rewarded accordingly; but the Time and Manner of it were yet to be consider'd of. I shou'd have inevitably died at that Time, had it not been for a Lie which I told; for I assur'd his Majesty, that all Foreigners of Distinction, as well as Ambassadors, approach our Kings in that Posture which he saw me in; whence he inferr'd, that it was difficult to know which was the sure End of them, and when they were in earnest. I was instantly order'd to resume my natural Posture, and give a full and clear Account of my self. To shew my Art in getting upon my Feet, I describ'd with my big Toes the Portion of a Circle, whose Radius was nearly equal to the Length of my Body; I then answer'd all the Questions which were put to me concerning the manner of my coming into that Kingdom, and the Government and Customs of my own Nation. The great Knowledge which I had of their Language, supply'd me with such Variety of elegant Expressions, that the King took me for a Person of an uncommon Genius, as he was pleased to term it, and told me that I should find the Marks of his royal Favour; tho' I am inclined to believe he intended to make use of my Judgment and Parts to enslave his People the more, if possible, and perpetrate his Cruelty with the greater Security.
However there was a Pension settled on me for my Support, 'till a Place should fall, which I might be thought capable of managing. Tckbrff, after we had withdrawn from the King, told me that he believed we were all honest Men in my Country, and could wish to be among them; for surely, said he, none that has but the least part of a Man about him, can disobey those most reasonable Laws of that excellent Constitution, where the Interests of the King and the People are so blended, that it is impossible for the one to subsist without the other; and where the People must out of Gratitude love him whose chief and constant Care it is to preserve them in their Rights and Privileges.
I cou'd not but smile at his Discourse, and tell him, that notwithstanding they enjoy'd all those mighty Blessings which he had mention'd, they were perhaps the most refractory and rebellious People in the Solar System. He doubted my Veracity, 'till I explained to him, as well as I could, the Difference between Whig and Tory, Protestant and Papist, and told him with what Zeal every Man maintain'd that Opinion which he embrac'd thro' Ignorance, Prejudice, or Interest, without daring to examine his Principles by an infallible Rule, lest he shou'd see any Reason for renouncing that Error he was so fond of, if it shou'd prove one. I gave him also an Account of their proceedings against a King, that thro' Faction and private Interest was put to Death, yet might have sav'd his Life and his Crown if he wou'd consent with wicked Ministers to oppress his People. Here Tckbrff express'd the greatest Indignation and Horror mix'd with a Degree of Pity for the unthinking Contrivers of his Death; and ask'd me how I could preserve my human Shape among such a corrupted Multitude. I told him that we carried on our most wicked Practices, and encourag'd the vilest Passions with the greatest shew of Humanity, and beg'd of him to let me know if he could, how it came to pass that his Countrymen, were so unhappy as to have their Thoughts prefigur'd in their Bodies; or why such Metamorphoses did not make them Honest? He reply'd, that the Reason why those Transformations did not make them Honest, was owing to the Ignorance of their Deformity; for every Man judg'd favourably of himself by a Misconstruction of his Actions, and it was observable, that no Person who had any part of a Beast in his composition, cou'd with a slight View behold his own Defects, tho' he often saw more brutal Members in others than they really had, which proceeded from a Desire they had that it shou'd be so; for they mistaking Virtue for a relative Thing, imagin'd every Man to be Virtuous, than whom they cou'd find one more Brutal; never considering, that he, who wou'd deserve the Character of a good Man, must observe to the utmost of his Power, an exact Conformity of every of his Actions to right Reason. As to the Changes which our Bodies are subject to, (continued he) the best Account which I find in Writings or Tradition is this; that our Fore-Fathers in the early Ages of the Moon, before they had built them Houses; were oblig'd to live in Caves, and by that means were much conversant with Beasts of all kinds; and as the Principle of Self-love began to be misunderstood, they began to imitate and put in Practice the Dispositions and Actions of those Beasts which were most agreeable to their Inclinations; here they began to grow cunning and deceive each other, and each himself, with the Sagacity of Brutes, as their private Interest prevail'd. Now since we know that all Bodies, especially those of a more soft Texture, derive certain Qualities from those Bodies which are nearest to them, so as sometimes to appear quite different from what they really are; it is probable that different Men diligently attending different Brutes to observe their own, had their correspondent Members transform'd into those of the Brute they attended; but whether this was done by the Effluvia that proceeded from the Beast, as the Moderns hold; or by some natural Magick, as the Antients were of Opinion, I will not take upon me to determine, but 'tis said that the first Changes were thus made, which have continued for so many Ages.
I then asked him, how they came to be so negligent of the Education of the Heir apparent to the Crown, as to suffer him to ascend the Throne with any Members of a Beast; for I had taken notice when I was before the King, that he had the Head and the right Paw of a Lion. He answer'd that their King was elective, and that upon a King's decease, they crown'd one who was remarkable for the good Services he had done his Country, and for the Perfectness of his human Form; but the best they cou'd find, wou'd sometimes upon his being invested with so much Power, give a Loose to his irregular Desires, since he obtain'd all that he had so long wish'd for; and it was observable in the King I had seen, that his left Hand was inclin'd to be hairy, and that he never par'd the Nails of it, whence it was expected that it wou'd soon become like the other. Here I cou'd not but praise our own King, who before his Accession to the Crown had signaliz'd himself for his Valour, and often hazarded his Life for the Defence of his Country, and after his Coronation improv'd the good Qualities he was before possess'd of, to the great Joy of his People. Tckbrff wish'd that their Government might be chang'd to that of the English, for he often bewail'd the miserable consequences of unlimited Power in a Sovereign.