Advice to Young Ladies/Chapter 16
Chapter XVI.
Receiving Attentions from Men.
As there is always danger of misunderstanding what is meant by the particular attentions of young men, it is best to attach no particular meaning to them whatever, but to hold the mind in a state of rational equilibrium. If a young girl do not think about marriage and a lover, she will not be in much danger of misinterpreting either the words or manner of her male acquaintances, nor will they be in much danger of making mistakes as to the character of her regard for them.
In the free, social intercourse of a young lady with her friends of the other sex, the idea of love, or a particular preference of one over the other, should never be permitted to enter her mind. She should look upon them as her intelligent friends, and feel that their association was for mutual advantage in elevating the mind, improving the taste, and strengthening the moral principles.
It will frequently happen, however, that some of her acquaintances will be more marked in their attentions than the rest, and, from the privilege of being occasional visitors, seek to establish a still more familiar and unreserved intercourse. This will be shown, it may be, in the offer of presents, and in invitations to attend balls, the theatre, a concert, or some other place of public resort. In regard to presents, a lady of much good sense and true discernment has thus written: “Accepting presents from gentlemen is a dangerous thing. Some men conclude from your taking one gift that you will accept another, and think themselves encouraged by it to offer their hearts to you; but, even when no apprehension of this kind follows, it is better to avoid every such obligation; and, if you make it a general rule never to accept a present from a gentleman, you will avoid hurting any one’s feelings, and save yourself from all further perplexity. Where ladies are known to be in the habit of refusing presents, and yet are objects of great admiration and devotion, they will often receive anonymous gifts, which it is impossible to elude. When this is the case, it is a good way to put them by, out of sight, and never to mention them. The pleasure of seeing them on your table, and hearing them talked about, and the donor’s name speculated upon, is often sufficient to induce a repetition of the anonymous deed, or an acknowledgment of it, which is very embarrassing, as you must either break your rule, or hurt the feelings of the donor. Of all the votive offerings made to the young and the fair, flowers are the most beautiful and most unexceptionable. Where it is the fashion for gentlemen to present bouquets to their female friends, so many are given that it seems more like a tribute to the sex, than a mark of particular regard, and their perishable nature exempts them from the ban put upon more enduring memorials. You can accept and wear flowers without committing yourself, and to refuse them would be unnecessary rigor. If any peculiar circumstance make you desirous of distancing a gentleman, you can take the flowers without wearing them.”
In regard to invitations from young men to go with them to places of public amusement, we think, as a general rule, they should be declined. And this for several reasons. We do not believe any young lady should appear at a ball, the theatre, or concert, except in company with her parents, brother, cousin, or some very intimate friend of the family, unless she be under engagement of marriage, and then her lover becomes her legitimate protector and companion. In the first place, to accept of such attentions would be for a young lady to lay herself under an obligation that might, at some after period, be very embarrassing, or so interfere with her feelings of independence, as to make it difficult for her to act towards an individual, who had thus sought to gratify her, as both feeling and judgment dictated; and in the second place, her thus appearing in public with a young man known not to be an intimate friend of the family, would naturally give rise to the belief that she entertained for him a preference that did not exist, and thus place her in a false light in the eyes of her acquaintances; and this would more certainly be the case, if some other friend, whose invitation she felt compelled to decline, were to offer a like attention.
If a young lady is fond of riding on horseback, and among her male acquaintances are those who are equally fond of the healthful exercise, there will be no impropriety in her accepting an invitation to ride, if one or more young ladies are to be of the company. But, in doing so, she should make it a rule always to have the horse she is to ride ordered from the stable by a servant, at her own or father’s expense. It may so happen that the circumstances of a young lady’s family are such, that the hire of a horse, even occasionally, is a matter of outlay that cannot be afforded. Where this is the case, she ought by all means to deny herself the gratification of riding out, rather than permit any young man, not her accepted lover, to bear the expense.
We need hardly refer to the outrageous want of all decent respect for herself, that would prompt a young lady to invite, by adroit references to an approaching concert, or to her extreme fondness for horseback exercise, a young man to be at the cost of gratifying the desire she feels to participate in these, or in any other pleasures. And yet such things are of too frequent occurrence, and among those who ought to have much better sense, and more modesty, than to even desire to be the companions of young men not entitled to the privilege, on such occasions. Those who do it gain the pleasure of present gratification at the expense of diminished respect in the eyes of the very men who seemed to take so much delight in obliging them. But little flattered would a young lady, who had been guilty of so flagrant a violation of good sense, good manners, and politeness, feel, to overhear a conversation like this:—
“Didn’t I see you at Hertz’s concert with Caroline T?”
“Yes.”
“How in the world came you to have that honor?”
The young man addressed shrugs his shoulders and arches his eyebrows, but makes no reply.
“How was it, Harry? Tell me! I had no idea of your being particularly taken in that quarter.”
“Nor am I very much taken. The fact is, I couldn’t help myself.”
“Indeed!”
“No, the gypsy asked me to take her, and I couldn’t refuse, of course.”
“O, no, Harry! That can’t be. Caroline T would hardly do that.”
“She could, and she did. Not, it is true, in so many words; but she talked about Hertz in such a way that she left me no alternative but to ask her if I should not have the pleasure of accompanying her to his concert. I was in hopes she would have the good taste, on reflection, to decline; but no, she took me up on the spot; and I was compelled to go with her, and leave my sister Jane, who is almost dying to hear this great performer, at home.”
“Is it possible! Why, I never heard of such a thing. The girl cannot have a particle of respect for herself.”
“If she has, it is a very strange kind of respect. I wonder whom she will get to take her to Sivori’s concert. She alluded to him two or three times, but couldn’t make me understand her. Suppose you invite her to go.”
“O, no, I thank you. I’d rather be excused. I’m not at all ambitious of the honor.”
“Nor I. The next time I am in her company, and any allusion is made to an approaching concert, I will change the subject.”
But little flattered, we repeat, would any young lady feel to overhear a conversation like this, of which she was the subject; and yet this is precisely the light in which conduct such as we now allude to is viewed, and young men do not hesitate to speak of it, among each other, in even stronger terms than we have given.
Before a young lady reaches the age of twenty years, she should, as a general rule, discourage all particular attentions from young men, and endeavor to hold her mind as balanced and independent in regard to all her male acquaintances as possible. The subject of marriage, except as an abstract question upon which certain opinions are held, should never be allowed to come up when thinking of, or in company with, her young friends and acquaintances. To have a lover before she is twenty, is, in most cases, a misfortune for a young girl. In nine cases out of ten, this lover is not the one that would be accepted if the affections were free at twenty or twenty-one. The love of boys and girls is never founded upon a true basis, but is merely the offspring of blind passion. It may turn out well. The parties, when their minds expand, and they become men and women, may be exactly suited to each other; but the chances are altogether against it. Nor is the love of a man, whose mind has attained maturity, for a girl who is still too young to accept wisely an offer of marriage, a love that promises happiness as the fruit. He cannot know her as a man ought to know the woman who becomes his wife, nor can she possibly know him as a woman ought to know the man she marries. Viewing the matter, then, in any light you please, the acceptance of a lover before twenty involves a great risk.
If to accept a lover before this age be, then, a hazardous thing, the permission of any marked attentions from any particular young man is unwise. Better treat all alike, and endeavor to feel for all alike; that is, as nearly as it can be done. Of course there must and will be preferences; but let these be the preferences of your taste and judgment, not of your heart. Thus, holding your affections free at this most important age, when the mind is first looking out intelligently upon the world, you will acquire a clearness of mental vision, a power of discrimination, and an insight into character, otherwise unattainable. But, if you permit yourself to fall in love, the balance of your mind is gone; you see nothing, you hear nothing, you feel nothing, that does not in some way connect itself with the object of your affections. All improvement of the mind ceases; the judgment, not yet arrived at its full stature, ceases to grow, and hardens into a diminutive form; your powers of discrimination expand no farther. You stop where you are, and rarely, if ever, make a woman whose influence in society is beneficially perceived. This is blind love—a very different thing from the strong, deep, intelligent affection of a true woman. How any man can be satisfied with the immature love of a silly young girl is beyond our conception. Indeed, we do not believe, as a general thing, that a man who is thus satisfied is worthy of the affections he seeks to gain.