Advice to Young Ladies/Chapter 17
Chapter XVII.
Early Marriages.
On the subject of early marriages, a diversity of opinions prevails; and they generally vibrate, like the pendulum of a clock, from one extreme to the other. A young lady will hear some one strongly advocate early marriages to-day, and to-morrow hear an opposite opinion advanced and vigorously maintained. It is but rarely the case that those who enter into these discussions really understand the subject of marriage, and therefore cannot declare what is absolutely true on this disputed question. And, besides, what one means by early marriage is a different thing from what another means. In most cases, these opinions are based upon the evil or good that has happened to result from what are considered early marriages, in instances that have fallen under the notice of those who advocate or condemn, instead of flowing from a knowledge of the true laws that ought to govern in marriage.
The writer is an advocate of early marriages between men and women—not between boys and girls. That which makes man truly a man, and woman truly a woman, is rationality—not the legal age. Freedom from the restraints of youth, and an acquirement of the legal rights of majority, are very far from giving this. It comes from experience, to which have been added thinking and observation. Nothing is seen in its true aspect when we first enter upon life; and it is only after our judgments have been matured by a few years of experience, that we can really see things around us in their true relation one to the other. A few years, too, makes us see not only deeper into what is without us, but also into what is within us; and scarcely a month of this period passes without our being led to correct some error or misconception into which we had fallen. If, during this period, mistakes are constantly made in matters of trivial importance, what security is there that a mistake will not be made in that most important of all the acts of a woman’s life—marriage? There is none, and the fact that the saddest possible mistakes are made almost every day, ought to warn, if proper reflection will not, a young lady against the error of permitting her affections to be drawn out before at least two years have passed from the time of her leaving school as a young woman. Usually, she has it in her power to do this.
Marriage from the age of twenty to twenty-two or three, we think an early marriage for a woman, and believe that evils almost always arise from an earlier consummation of a marriage contract. Mr. Combe is of opinion, “that many young people of both sexes fall sacrifices to early marriages, who might have withstood the ordinary risks of life, and lived together in happiness, if they had delayed their union for a few years, and allowed time for the consolidation of their constitutions.” And this must strike every reflecting mind as true, without the necessity of looking round to see the hundreds of young mothers with shattered constitutions, lingering over the grave, or sinking down into its chilling precincts. Neither physical nor mental health can follow a marriage that takes place too early. It is almost impossible to make a right choice, and the constitution is not well enough formed to bear the great physical changes that usually occur.
If young ladies would learn to think above the fact of marriage, and not consider it a state in which they were merely to find the highest possible delight attainable on earth, but a state in which they could be most useful, and impart blessings and dispense happiness to others, they would not rush so thoughtlessly into this important relation, but would be very sure that what they loved in another was really worth loving, and that they were loved in return for their mental and moral qualities, and not merely for their person.
True love—that which abides—has its foundation in a knowledge and appreciation of moral qualities. These cannot be known without the power of discerning them, and this power is not sufficiently developed, in very young persons, to enable them to decide upon the fitness of another to become a wife or a husband. Family connections, talents, beauty of person, and exterior grace, may all be decided upon; but other qualifications are required—without which marriage is only an external union—that call for a deeper discrimination than any one possesses in the first years of his or her majority.
Too early marriages, from the causes briefly alluded to here, are productive of much unhappiness. From their bewildering dream, a young couple, who have unwisely rushed into marriage before either of them was old enough really to understand what love meant, not unfrequently awake, in the course of a very short time, to the painful consciousness that they have wedded unwisely. If in the mind of each is a groundwork of good sense and good feeling, the consequences may not be so very bad, although through life there will be times when each will deeply and sadly regret their early act of folly. But in numerous cases, either in one or the other, there exists a peculiarity of temperament that entirely mars the happiness of both. Open disagreements or secret bickerings turn the holy and happy state of marriage into a condition of inexpressible misery, the larger share of which usually falls upon the head of the one least able to bear it—the wife. Or actual hatred of one towards the other is engendered, and they are driven asunder, and stand in society as the disfigured and disfiguring mementoes of the folly of a too percipitate marriage.
When, however, a young lady has reached the age we have named, and a man, known to be virtuous and honorable, has formally offered her his hand, and been accepted, the marriage ought not long to be delayed, if no impediment exist, such as inability on the part of the young man to support a wife.
Among the reasons that have been urged against a young lady’s contracting marriage immediately, is the following by Mrs. Farrar, which is well worth considering. She says, “The married school-girl deprives herself of a most delightful and useful stage in her existence—that of a grown-up daughter, maturing under the eye of a mother, and the influence of a home circle, with time enough for mental culture, and a useful experience of domestic affairs, without the care which belongs to the mistress of a family. She loses all the varied pleasures of a young lady, and skips at once from childhood to married life. Early marriage also prevents the literary education of a girl being carried far enough for it to go forward easily, amid the cares of a family, and therefore it often ceases altogether; in a few years, she loses what little she acquired at school, and degenerates into a mere house-keeper and nurse.” * * * “I would fain believe that I am writing for a class of ladies too young to need much advice upon that, [love and marriage;] and though I occasionally hear of school-girls who forfeit the privileges and pleasures of being grown-up young ladies, and jump at once into the cares of married life, I trust that increased knowledge and wisdom, on the part of the young and old, will prevent such immature marriages, and give women an opportunity of being more fully developed in body and mind, before they subject either to the severe trials which belong to wives and mothers.”