Advice to Young Ladies/Chapter 18
Chapter XVIII.
Marriage.
This is a subject upon which a great deal has been written and a great deal thought: but the world is yet very slow in perceiving and adopting what is true in relation to it; and such will continue to be the case until this important law is clearly understood and acknowledged, viz.: that the end for which a thing is done gives quality to the act. Whoever marries without having just ideas of so important a relation, runs great danger of committing an error that will render turbid for life all the well-springs of her happiness. This being the case, we ask of our fair young friends to consider deeply what we shall say in this chapter, and endeavor to comprehend it fully.
The law just stated—that the end for which a thing is done qualifies the act—is one that applies with particular force to marriage. Marriage is a divine institution, ordained for the highest purposes; and a marriage contract between two persons is the most important and solemn act of their whole lives; for it not only effects a change in things outward, but also in things appertaining to the spirit, for it brings into a relationship the most intimate possible two minds, that, if they do not harmonize, must act upon and react against each other with a disturbing force that necessarily precludes the soul’s true development and perfection. Now, unless the end for which a marriage contract is formed be a right end, the marriage cannot be a happy one; and just in the degree that the end has been selfish, and has regarded things external, as wealth, connections, beauty, or other mere personal attractions, so far will unhappiness be the result.
To make this plainly apparent, let us suppose that a young lady is attracted by the brilliant talents of the man who addresses her, and that he is more attracted by her beauty of person, or the wealth she inherits, than by her virtues. Now, both of these reasons for loving (we should rather say for a preference, for there is no love in the question) are merely selfish. The lady does not desire a union with the man because she loves the moral perfections of his character, and seeks to become one with him; but her pride, overshadowing all such holy considerations, seeks to unite her name with his that she may stand higher in the world’s estimation. That this is so will be plain to any one who will think calmly on the subject. On the other hand, the man does not seek a union with her because he regards marriage with a high and sacred regard, as a means whereby a pure, virtuous, and loving spirit may become blended as one with his own, and both be more perfected by the union; he does not love her because she imbodies the very virtues and perfections that seem purest and best in his eyes. No! He wants more money than he has yet been able to possess, and, loving money better than any thing else, he takes her because she has enough of this valuable commodity to satisfy to some extent his cupidity. Or, having an admiration for beauty, and vanity enough to consider the eclat attached to a beautiful wife as something desirable, he is guided in his choice by beauty alone, unregardful of the more important qualifications necessary to make a woman his true and loving companion.
Here, it will be seen that the end which each had in view has given quality to the act of each. The choice has been made to rest on external considerations alone, and must be productive of disappointment and consequent unhappiness. It will take but a short time for the lady to make the sad discovery, that the brilliant reputation of her husband is no compensation for a morose temper, a love of dissipation, indifference to his wife, captiousness, want of principle, or, even worse, infidelity. Nor will it take him long to tire of her beauty, or to discover that, now he has full possession of her property, her person is of little value.
This is presenting an extreme case; yet such are every day occurring. In most cases of marriage, even when selfish considerations like these are predominant, there is yet in the parties sufficient good sense to be aware that indifference to qualities of mind is an error that might prove fatal to happiness; and therefore they are careful to see that in those who possess the main prerequisites, there are no faults or peculiarities of character that could not well be borne. These marriages prove unhappy just in the degree that the leading end was of a selfish and external character; but the good sense that prompted some regard to qualities of mind, shows itself afterwards in an effort to make the very best of a bad bargain. Although the parties never know, by experience, what true felicity flows from a true marriage, they, nevertheless, in most cases, manage to get along as comfortably as possible, and avoid, as far as it can be done, all bickerings and collisions, for the sake of peace, their reputation, or their children.
But, where qualities of mind are considered the first essential of marriage, and where it is entered into with all external things regarded as subordinate, from a pure love of the moral beauty of the one with whom a union is about to be formed, happiness must flow as a natural consequence. This result, however, cannot follow, unless both be influenced by right ends; and it is, therefore, of as much consequence to a young lady, that he who seeks her hand should do so from right motives, as that she should accept him from right motives. To be as well assured of the purity of her lover’s ends as her own, she will find to be a matter of some difficulty. But, until all reasonable doubts on the subject are removed, she should hesitate about accepting his offer of marriage; for to do so would be running a risk greater than any young lady should incur. If, from evidence not to be questioned, a young lady is fully satisfied that only for her wealth, connections, beauty, accomplishments, or personal attractions, and not for something within her which is loved independent of these, her hand is sought in marriage, she should reject the overture at no matter what cost of feeling to herself; for this will be a slight thing indeed, compared to the suffering which such a marriage might entail upon her. All these are unstable attractions; but qualities of mind are enduring, and grow brighter and increase in power with the lapse of years. And besides, what woman of right feeling would think of accepting a man who did not love her, but was only induced to offer his heartless hand in marriage, in order that he might gain something from the union more desirable to his sordid feelings than the devotion of a pure and loving heart?
In many of the high-wrought and unnatural fictions of the day, which are the offspring of perverted and impure minds, or of such as are really ignorant of what love is in its essence and true activity, we often find an innocent and pure-minded woman represented as loving, with a devotion little less than idolatry, a man whose heart teems with evil passions, and whose life is little else than one act after another of vice, brutality, and crime. All his neglect, outrage, and passion, she bears with meek endurance, loving on with a deeper and more fervent love; and she is, in most cases, at last rewarded by a union with one from whom such a woman as she is said to be, would shrink in disgust and horror. This union is represented as the high reward of her devotion, and the writer generally has the unblushing effrontery to tell us that she is supremely happy. As well could an angel be happy in the arms of a spirit from the bottomless pit! It is all false! Such things never take place as represented. A woman may love, with the wild passions of an impure heart, a bold, bad man, whose brilliant qualities have dazzled her imagination, and caused it to gloss over his evils and magnify what she is pleased to call his generous qualities; she may be true to him, amid neglect, outrage, and wrong, and she may at last receive her reward, and become his wife. But we can neither admire her fidelity nor rejoice in her reward, for we know that happiness will not result from her marriage, but that her last days will be the most wretched of her life. A right-minded woman—one with a pure heart and a clear head—would rather shrink from than be attracted by such a man.
These pictures, set forth often in the most brilliant and attractive colors, do much to mislead the young, and give them false views on a subject in regard to which every thing depends upon their having the clearest perceptions. The heroine is admired, and her constancy and devotion believed to be virtues of the highest order, and worthy of imitation, when she is but too often the mere false creation of a corrupt mind, and has no counterpart in real life, because she cannot have. From this fault even our best novelists are not wholly free.
True love is not a wild, strong, fiery, impetuous passion. It is, on the contrary, calm, deep, and clear-seeing. It is attracted by qualities alone, and in search of these it looks through all that is merely external, at the same time that it sees in external things the images of things internal. There may be faults of character, there may be external defects, there may be much wanting to give perfection to its object; but if the ruling ends be right, and if there be nothing in external things to mar and destroy the true development of what is within, and if, in addition to all this, there be that mysterious attraction of heart for heart which comes from above, and guides all aright who will wait for and be guided by its heavenly influences, then it finds its blest fruition, but not till then. It is mere passion that loves blindly and irrationally; but true love is wise and discriminating, and its devotion more real and lasting.
Marriage without such love is no marriage at all. It is merely an external union, from external grounds, and cannot be expected to, as it never does, yield any true happiness. Where no positively bad qualities exist in those who have contracted marriage from mere external considerations, it not unfrequently happens that the parties lead quiet and orderly lives, and seem to enjoy themselves very well, and imagine that they have all the pleasures attainable in the conjugal state. But they are more in error than they imagine.
In the chapter on the “Equality of the Sexes,” something of the real difference between man and woman was shown; and we there called that difference a “uniting difference.” In the original creation of the sexes, God designed that a union should take place between them, and so organized them, spiritually, that such a union must take place, or both would be imperfect, and consequently unhappy; and the existence of the human race itself was made to depend upon this union. Marriage is, therefore, of divine ordination, and can never be entered into properly, except from the purest and the highest motives.
But enough has been said, we would fain believe, to make any young lady see the importance of being governed by right ends in a matter involving so deeply as this does her best and dearest interests.
As to the giving of any particular rules by which a young lady is to square her conduct in matters of the heart, we neither feel inclined to the task nor competent to perform it. Our leading object is, to give such general principles as will enable each one for herself to decide upon a right course of action in a matter that is fraught with consequences of such vital importance. If a young lady have correct views on the subject of marriage, she will not be in much danger of committing any serious error. We would, however, say, that in all cases the mother ought to be fully advised of the state of her daughter’s affections. This is due to her relation, her experience, and her deep and unselfish love for her child. Many a young girl, who has fully confided every thing to her mother, has been saved from blindly loving one who had been able to mislead her as to his true character, but could not deceive the mother.
When an offer of marriage is made, whether it come unexpectedly or not, it should neither be accepted nor rejected by a young lady without time for reflection, and a reference of the matter to her parents, or, if they be not living, to some friend whose age and experience give her the position of a sound adviser. If the person who makes the offer is not considered by the young lady as a suitable partner, let her firmly decline him, no matter how strongly her parents or friends urge a different course. If, on the contrary, she approve and they object, let her seriously consider the ground of their objections, and if they stand against his moral character, and are undoubtedly true, let her, as she values their happiness, respect their objections. But if they are merely extrinsic, and do not touch his character and personal fitness to make her happy, and she is calmly and deeply conscious of loving him with a pure, fervent, and undying love, that has its origin in a knowledge and regard for his moral excellences, let her not reject his offer. The objections of her parents will be a good reason for her not at once accepting the offer; but this reason she should state to her lover, and both should be content to wait patiently, if it be even as long as one or two years, in the hope of overcoming the prejudices that exist, before determining to marry against the wishes of her friends. This deference to their objections may have the effect of overcoming them, and the marriage be allowed to take place with their fullest sanction, without which, no matter how much she may love her husband, nor how worthy he may be of her love, a wife can never be truly happy.
As to runaway matches, they usually turn out the worst. Of course, there are many exceptions to this; but, as a general thing, where parents positively forbid their daughter to keep company with a young man, there are pretty good reasons for it; and if the daughter be mad enough, in a moment of passion, to run away with and marry him, she generally has cause, in a few years, bitterly to repent her folly. It is much better to wait a long time, in the hope of overcoming objections, than to take this rash and generally imprudent step.
The position of an heiress is almost always a difficult and dangerous one. There are a great many unprincipled men in the world, who seek to better their fortunes by marriage, and who are constantly on the look-out for some rich young girl, whose affections they can win, and thus acquire a fortune without the labor of making it themselves. Some of these persons cultivate every exterior grace of body and mind, with no other end than to make themselves attractive in the eyes of the other sex, and render more certain any conquest that may seem to them worth making. To fall a victim to the heartless enticements of such a man, would be, for any right-minded young woman, a sad misfortune; for happiness could not follow her union with him. And it is not to be concealed that her danger is very great. Money is so convenient and desirable a thing, and the attainment of it by marriage so much easier than earning it, that in a day when there is so little true appreciation of marriage as a divine and holy ordinance, instituted for the highest purposes by the Creator, as there is at present, the temptation for young men to seek for wealth in a union with some one who possesses it, is very great. The utterly unprincipled are not alone those whose regard for a young girl is greatly biased by the amount of her father’s fortune, or the income she may hold in her own right. So absorbing is the universal desire for money, and so much in the habit is almost every one of looking at it as the greatest good, and of seeking it rather as an end than as a means of usefulness, that even those who, in the ordinary matters of life, are governed by the best of motives, are apt to think money a virtue indispensable in a wife, and suffer themselves to be influenced in their choice by the grovelling and disgraceful consideration of dollars and cents.
As the end for which marriage is contracted will inevitably qualify the union, and bring unhappiness just in the degree that the end selfishly regards external things, it is not difficult to perceive that, if a young lady’s money have been the principal virtue in the eyes of her lover, a marriage with him must result in disappointment, and, perhaps, in the most heartfelt misery. One, therefore, who has the misfortune (shall we say?) to inherit riches, needs to be more watchful than any other, lest her hand be yielded to one who thinks more of her wealth than of her person and virtues. She will be in less danger from accepting the hand of one, born, like herself, to the possession of wealth, if he be virtuous, high-minded, and actively engaged in some useful employment as a professional man, or merchant, than in accepting the hand of one whose external condition is unequal to her own. In the former case, tastes, habits, and social relations, will be more equal, and the chances of happiness much more in her favor. But, if she believe herself to be sincerely loved for herself alone, by one who possesses intelligence, manly virtue, and tastes that harmonize with her own, and she truly and sincerely love him in return, let her accept the offer of his hand, even if he have not a tithe of the wealth that has fallen to her lot.
In marriage there should always exist a harmonizing equality in intellect, education, taste, and habits of thinking. No woman should ever accept the hand of a man of weaker intellect and grosser tastes than herself; for a union with him would be an unnatural one. Man, as we have shown, is characterized by intellect and woman by affection; and a true marriage never takes place unless where a woman can love the moral wisdom of her husband; and this she cannot do if his intelligence and moral perceptions be inferior to her own. This is self-evident. We often see a woman of fine mind married to a man who is altogether her inferior in education, taste, refinement, good sense, and strength of intellect; and in such cases we always perceive sad evidences enough that by both the union is felt to be an unequal one; and often the yoke that binds her to her companion is plainly enough seen to be deeply galling. Men of inferior minds are usually attracted by a woman of brilliant talents; and, strangely enough, women of this class are too apt to unite their fortunes with them,—in too many instances, it is feared, on account of the mere external advantages that such a union will give them. But dearly enough do they usually pay for their unnatural folly.
All genuine love is founded upon respect. No woman can have the kind of respect for a man who is inferior to herself upon which love is founded; and therefore no woman can truly love a man who is her inferior in mental and moral endowments. If she cannot truly love him, she cannot be happy with him; and to marry him can only be an act of folly and madness.
Similarity of religious faith should also be considered indispensable. Where there is a regard for religion, it forms the central idea in the mind; and a difference on a matter of so much importance cannot fail, at some time or other, to producer a jar of discord. It may not come until the interests of children are to be regarded, when one or the other will have to yield in a matter involving principles felt to be of the most vital importance. Who shall yield? Can the mother, in conscience, consent to have her children instructed in doctrines that she believes will lead them far away into the mazes of error, and endanger their best and highest interests? Can the father believe a system of religion to be true, and not teach it to his children? Will he not be deeply culpable if he neglect to do so? Here there can be no neutral ground, no yielding on the part of either, if both be equally well convinced of the importance of giving their children early religious instruction. Painfully embarrassing, indeed, is the condition of parents thus situated, and sad are the results that too often flow therefrom.
If what we have alleged in regard to marriage be really so, as we certainly believe it to be, then true internal marriage cannot take place between those who think differently in matters of religion. A man is truly a man by virtue of his ability to grow wise, and the true internal union which takes place between a husband and wife, is in her love of his wisdom and his love of her, because she is the love of his wisdom, or of those things that his intellect sees to be wisdom, and which he, by a life corresponding thereto, acquires to himself. By wisdom is not here meant mere knowledge of things, as of natural sciences. A man may possess the most extended knowledge, and yet not be truly wise. A wise man is a just man, and regards the good of all. He not only sees what is true, but he conforms his life to the truth. He seeks to gain all knowledge within his ability to acquire, in order that he may be useful to his fellow-man. Now, it is this kind of wisdom in a man that a woman truly loves in a true marriage relation; and this is what conjoins them—this is what makes their union an internal one. And, if this be so, how is it possible for a woman to love her husband’s wisdom, if, at the very outset, she cannot believe with him in the most vital thing that concerns them—religion? Instead of internal union, there must exist internal discord. How can she respect his intelligence, when in a matter so plain to her he cannot see any thing but error? How can he love the reflection of his own intelligence and wisdom in her, when no such reflection is given?
If this be not plain to any one, let her consider well what has been said in regard to the religious education of children, and see in that a sufficient reason for making a similarity of faith an indispensable thing in the man she consents to marry.
Much more could be said on the very important subject of marriage; but the limit of this work will not admit of our dwelling upon it any longer. From what we have set forth, almost any one may deduce rules of action for her own government; and by strictly obeying them, she will save herself from the wretchedness of a marriage based upon false instead of true principles.