Ah Q and Others/The Diary of a Madman
The brothers (I shall not mention their names) were good friends of mine in my old middle-school days but I had not seen them for many years and had gradually lost track of them. Recently I heard that one of them was seriously ill, and as I happened to be visiting my native heath, I went to call on them. I saw only one of them and he told me that it was his younger brother who had been ill. He thanked me for coming such a long way to inquire after his brother and said that the latter had recovered and had gone to a certain district to await appointment. He laughed as he showed me two volumes of diaries which his brother had kept during his illness, saying that I, an old friend of theirs, might as well have them and see for myself what manner of illness it was. I took the volumes home and after going over them decided that he must have suffered an attack of what is known as persecution phobia.
The writing was confused and incoherent and full of wild and extraordinary fancies. There were no dates, but from the lack of uniformity in the shade of ink and in the style of calligraphy, it was evident that the entries covered quite a period of time. Occasionally there were passages with some degree of coherence. I transcribe here some of these passages and present them for the study of the medical world. I have not changed anything in matters of fact and style but have altered all the personal names, though they happen to be those of villagers unknown to the outside world and it is of no consequence one way or another. As to the title, it is the author's own choice after his recovery.
April 2, 1918
1.
The moon is very beautiful tonight.
Since it was over thirty years ago that I saw it last, the sight of it makes me feel particularly good. Now I realize that for the last thirty years or more I have been living in ignorance and darkness. But I must be on my guard. Did not Chao's dog look at me with malignant eyes?
I have good reason to be afraid.
2.
There is no moonlight at all tonight and I know that this bodes ill. Even as I went out cautiously this morning I was struck by something strange about Chao Kuei-weng's behavior. He looked as if he were afraid of me, as if thinking of doing me harm. Seven or eight other men were whispering among themselves about me, though they tried to appear innocent. Everyone I met on the street acted the same way. One of the most vicious among them opened his mouth and grinned at me; I shivered from head to heels, for I realized that their plans were set and they were about ready to strike.
But I walked on unafraid. Then I came to a group of children, also talking about me, their eyes exactly like those of Chao Kuei-weng and their faces blue like steel. What grudge do they hold against me, I thought, that they should act like this? I could not refrain from shouting at them, "Now tell me!" But they ran away.
What enmity is there between Chao Kuei-weng and myself, I thought, what enmity is there between me and the people on the street? I can remember only one thing. Twenty years ago I trampled the daily account book[1] of Mr. Hoary Tradition under my feet, a deed which he greatly resented. Although Chao Kuei-weng did not know Mr. Hoary Tradition, he must have heard of the incident and in his indignation must have turned the people on the street against me. But how about the children? They were not even born at the time; why should they stare at me today with such fearful eyes, as if afraid of me and thinking of doing me harm? This frightens and puzzles me and makes me sad.
I understand now! Their mothers and fathers must have told them!
3.
I cannot sleep at night. One must study a thing before one can understand it.
They—some of them—have been bambooed and put into cangues by the magistrate, some have been slapped in the face by the gentry, some have had their wives assaulted by the constables, and some have seen their parents hounded to death by creditors; but their faces were never so fearful and menacing then as they were yesterday.
The strangest thing of all was that the woman who was beating her son on the street yesterday should have had her eyes fixed on me when she cursed her son, saying, "Your father's , I won't feel right until I have taken a few bites at you!" I started violently and could not hide my fear. At this the ghoulish crowd, with blue faces and protruding tusks, burst into laughter.
Just then Chen Lao-wu caught up with me and forcibly dragged me home.
After I was dragged home, everyone pretended not to know me; their eyes were like those of everyone else. As soon as they got me into the study, they closed the door and chained it from the outside as if they were shutting up a chicken or a duck. The more I thought about this the more befuddled I became.
A few days ago a tenant from the Wolf Village came to complain of hard times and told my elder brother that a very wicked man in the village had been beaten to death by the villagers and that some of the men had taken out his heart and fried it in oil and had eaten it in the belief that this would give them more courage. When I put in a few words in protest against this savage practice, both the tenant and my brother gave me a hard look.
I suddenly realized that their eyes were the same as those of the people on the street.
When I think about this, I become cold from head to feet.
If they ate another human being, it is not at all inconceivable that they might eat me.
All signs point to this possibility: remember what the woman said about biting off a few pieces of her son's flesh, remember the fiendish glee of the crowd with blue faces and protruding tusks, remember the story told by the tenant the other day. I see venom in their words and knives behind their laughter; their teeth, white and menacing, are those of cannibals.
I did not think that I could be considered a wicked man, but since I trampled Mr. Hoary Tradition's book under my feet, I am no longer so sure. They seem to think so, though I cannot really fathom their thoughts. They have a way of branding anyone they don't like as a wicked man. I still remember how my elder brother, when he was teaching me composition, used to reward me with circles of approval when I criticized the good and to commend me on my cleverness and originality when I spoke a few words for the wicked. How can I guess just what is in their minds, especially when they want to eat human flesh?
One must study things before one can understand them. I thought I had read somewhere that man-eating was a common practice in ancient times, but I was not sure. I decided to look it up in my history. This history contained no dates, but over every page was scrawled the words "Benevolence and Righteousness." It was not until I had read half through the night (I could not sleep anyway) that I began to make out the words hidden between the lines and to discover that the book was nothing but a record of man-eating!
It was written in the book and hinted at by the tenant, and they all looked at me with such strange eyes—though they smiled all the time!
Since I am a man, they are probably thinking of eating me!
4.
I sat quietly for a while this morning. Chen Lao-wu brought in my meal, a bowl of vegetables and a bowl of steamed fish. The fish's eyes were hard and white, its mouth was open, as is the case with people who are thinking of eating human flesh. I ate a few pieces, but I could not tell whether the slippery stuff was fish or man, and I threw up everything.
I said, "Lao-wu, tell my brother that I feel stifled in here and want to go into the garden for a walk." Lao-wu went out without answering, but after a while he came back and opened the door.
I did not move, for I was sure that they would not abandon their evil course and I wanted to see just how they were going to manage me. I was right. My brother came in slowly with an old man, who, being afraid that I would see the wicked light in his eyes, looked down at the ground and stole glances at me over the edges of his spectacles. "You seem to look very well today," my brother said. I answered "Yes." My brother said, "We have asked Dr. Ho to come and take a look at you." I said, "All right!" but did I not know that this old man was in reality the executioner in disguise! He had only come to feel how fat I was under the pretext of feeling my pulse, so that he could share a piece of flesh as a reward. Not wishing to spoil their little game for the moment, I gave the old man my hands, which I had involuntarily tightened into fists, and waited to see what he was going to do. The old man sat there with his eyes closed and felt my hand and meditated for a long while. Then he opened his ghostly eyes and said, "Do not worry too much. You will be all right after resting quietly for a few days."
Do not worry too much and rest quietly! Of course! They will have more to eat after I grow fat with rest! What is "all right" about that as far as I am concerned? These people want to eat human flesh but they are so timid and afraid, so anxious to hide their designs, so unwilling to strike an open and direct blow. They make me laugh. And so, unable to restrain myself, I burst into laughter and the laughter did me good. I knew that there was in this laughter courage and righteousness. The old man and my brother both paled; they were cowed by my courage and righteousness.
But the more courage I had the more they would want to eat me in order to partake of my courage. The old man stepped outside the door and before they had walked very far, he whispered to my brother, "Must be eaten[2] without delay!" My brother nodded assent. And so you are in it too! This was a great discovery. Though it seems unthinkable, it is really quite possible that my own brother has been conspiring with the others to eat me.
So my brother is a man-eater!
And I am a man-eater's brother!
Though I may be eaten up by man-eaters, I shall nevertheless be the brother of a man-eating man!
5.
I have been trying to make a concession these last few days and grant that the old man was not an executioner in disguise but was really a doctor. Even then he may still be a man-eating man. For since it is clearly stated in the Pen Ts'ao something or other[3] written by Li Shih-chen, the father of his profession, that human flesh could be boiled and eaten, how could he deny that he does not eat human beings himself?
Neither do I unjustly suspect my own brother. When he was teaching me, he said with his own mouth that during times of famine people "exchanged their children to eat"; and once in discussing a certain wicked man he said that he not only deserved death, but also deserved to have his "flesh eaten and his skin slept upon." I was young then and my heart beat wildly for a long time. A few days ago when the tenant of the Wolf Village came and told about that horrible affair, he did not appear to be shocked in the least, but repeatedly nodded his head with approval. From this one can see that he is still as inhuman as ever. Since one may exchange one's children to eat, one may exchange anyone and eat anybody. I used to listen to his high-sounding discourses attentively and to take them at their face value; but I now realize that when he was thus holding forth, not only was his heart filled with the desire to eat human flesh but his lips were actually greased with human fat!
6.
It is thickly dark. I do not know whether it is day or night. That dog of the Chao's is barking again.
As vicious as lions, as timid as rabbits, as cunning as foxes . . .
7.
I know their plot now; they will not and dare not kill me outright for fear of the consequences, but they will try to drive me to suicide by every trick they know. I need only recall the behavior of the men and women on the street to realize this. It would suit them best if I should take off my waistband, tie it to the beam and hang myself; they would then obtain their wish without being charged with murder. What rejoicing and ghoulish laughter there would be! Or they might frighten and torture me to death; they could still have a few bites apiece though I should be somewhat leaner.
They are only capable of eating dead men's flesh! I recall reading somewhere about a loathsome animal known as the hyena; its eyes and features are revolting to see, and it not only feeds on dead men's flesh but chews up and swallows even the biggest bones. It is fearful to think of. The hyena is a relative of the wolf and the wolf is kin to the dog. The other day Chao's dog eyed me several times, which proves that it is also in the plot.
The old man could not deceive me though he kept his eyes on the ground.
The most despicable of all is my elder brother. Why is it that though a human being himself, he has not the least fear of man-eating, but is, on the contrary, conspiring to eat me? Is it because he is used to it and does not realize that it is wrong, or is it because he has lost his conscience and would knowingly commit a wrong?
I shall begin with him in cursing man-eating men; I shall also begin with him in converting man-eating men from their wicked ways.
8.
But they must know these things already . . .
One day a man came to me. He was about twenty years old. His features were somewhat indistinct. He smiled and nodded to me, but his smile was not natural. I asked him, "Is it right to eat human beings?" He said, still smiling, "This is not a year of famine, how could such a thing occur?" I realized immediately that he was also of the same gang, that he also liked to eat human flesh. I became a hundred times bolder and insisted:
"But is it right?"
"What's the use of asking such a question? You certainly can say the strangest things . . . Nice weather we are having today."
The weather was nice and the moon very bright, but I insisted: "But is it right?"
He did not seem to like this and answered vaguely, "No . . . "
"Not right? Then why do they persist in it?"
"That is not true . . . "
"Not true? Why, only recently it happened in the Wolf Village, and it is written in all the books, red, blood-red!"
His countenance changed, blue like steel, and he said with a wild look in his eyes, "Maybe so, but this has always been so . . . "
"Does that make it right?"
"I don't want to argue with you about these things. You should not talk about them; it is wrong of you to do it!"
I jumped up and opened my eyes, only to find that the man had disappeared and that I was bathed in sweat. He was much younger than my brother but he was of the same gang. His father and mother must have corrupted him, and I am afraid that he has already corrupted his children; that is why even the children stare at me with such a wicked light in their eyes.
9.
Everyone wants to eat others but is afraid of being eaten himself, and so everyone looks at everyone else with such profound distrust and suspicion . . .
What a relief it would be if everyone banished such thoughts from his mind and went about his work and ate and slept with a carefree heart! It takes but little effort to step over this obstacle that bars the gateway to freedom, and yet they—parents and children, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives, teachers and pupils, friends and enemies and strangers—they all band together, encourage and restrain one another, and refuse to step over this one barrier even till death.
10.
Early in the morning I went to see my brother, who was standing outside the front hall gazing at the sky. I went up to him and with my back to the door said in an unusually calm and peaceful manner, "Brother, I have something to say to you."
"Please go ahead," he replied, turning around abruptly and nodding.
"I have only a few words but I find it difficult to say them. Brother, in the beginning all the savages probably ate a little human flesh. Later on, some of them gave up this practice because their hearts were different. They tried their best to improve themselves and they became human, real human beings, while others continued to eat human flesh. The case of these savages is similar to that of the insects, some of which became fish and birds and monkeys and eventually men, while others did not try to better themselves and remained insects. How shameful are the men who eat men compared with those who do not: their shame must be even greater than the shame that the insects feel toward the monkeys.
"It is true that it was a long, long time ago that Yi-ya steamed up his own son for Chieh and Chou[4] to eat; the trouble is that people have continued to eat one another from the creation of heaven and earth by P'an Ku to the son of Yi-ya, and from the son of Yi-ya to Hsu Hsi-lin[5] and from Hsu Hsi-lin to the man they caught in the Wolf Village. Only last year when a prisoner was executed in the city, a man with tuberculosis dipped a roll in the victim's blood and ate it.[6]
"Now they want to eat me. I can well understand that you cannot stop them all by yourself. But why must you join their conspiracy? What will men who eat men be incapable of! If they can eat me, they can eat you and eat one another. All that is needed to bring about peace and goodwill to all is a desire to better oneself, to take one step in the right direction. The world may have always been what it is, but that does not mean that we should not try to make it better than it has been. You say it is impossible? Brother, I believe that you are capable of saying that. You said it was impossible the other day when the tenant asked for a reduction of rent!"
At first he only smiled coldly, but his eyes gradually became fierce and cruel, and when I laid bare his secret his whole face became blue. The crowd that had been standing outside the gate—including Chao Kuei-weng and his dog—had gradually edged their way in. The features of some of them could not be made out; they were as if covered with gauze; others were still blue-faced and tusked, smiling gloatingly. I recognized them to be of the same gang, all of them men who ate other men, though their opinions about it differed: some felt that it had always been so and that it was as it should be, while others knew that it was wrong, but wanted to eat just the same. The latter were more sensitive to my exposure of their plot, so on hearing what I said, they became furious, though they only smiled coldly.
At this point my brother suddenly assumed a fierce air and shouted loudly, "Get out, all of you! What is there to see about a madman?"
Then I discovered another of their clever schemes. They not only would not change their ways, but they had carefully laid their plot so as to stigmatize me as a madman. Then after they had eaten me, they would not only go free but might even be thanked for it. The people of the Wolf Village branded their victim as a wicked man, when they wanted to feast upon him. This was an old trick with them.
Chen Lao-wu also came in glowering with great indignation. But he could not stop me from speaking. I insisted on speaking to these people, and I said, "You must repent, repent from the bottom of your hearts! You must know that there will be no place in the world of the future for man-eating men. If you do not change, you will eat up one another. However fertile you may be, in the end men that are really human beings will annihilate you, as hunters annihilate the wolves! You will be just like the insects!"
The crowd was driven off by Chen Lao-wu. My brother disappeared I knew not where. Chen Lao-wu persuaded me to go back to my room. All was dark in the room. The crossbeam and the rafters shook over me; and after shaking for a while, they grew bigger and piled themselves upon me. They were so heavy that I could not stir. They, too, wanted me to die. I knew their weight was false, and so I wriggled out. I sweated all over. I said, "You must all change at once, change from the bottom of your hearts. You must know that the future has no place for man-eating men . . . "
11.
I know now that they ate my younger sister.
The sun did not come out and the door did not open. Every day two meals were brought to me.
As soon as I picked up the chopsticks, I would think of my brother; and I knew that he was solely responsible for the death of my sister. She was only five years old, and her adorable face is still vivid in my memory. Mother cried incessantly, but he persuaded her not to cry, probably because it made him uncomfortable since he himself had eaten her up. If he still felt the prick of his conscience . . .
Whether or not mother knew that sister was eaten up by brother was something that I shall never know.
Maybe mother knew but did not say anything because she also felt that it was as it should be. I recall that when I was four or five years old we were once sitting in the courtyard to keep cool. Brother said that when parents were sick, the children must, if they wanted to be filial, cut off a piece their own flesh and boil it and offer it to them to eat.[7] Mother did not say that that would not do. If it was all right to eat a slice, it was all right to eat a whole human being. But the way she cried that day was most heartbreaking. It moves me still as I recall it now.
It is a very strange world indeed!
12.
I must not think about it any longer.
Only today do I realize that this world in which I have moved about for half a lifetime has been for over four thousand years a man-eating world. Brother was at the time of sister's death in charge of the affairs of the family. It is not at all impossible that he had mixed her flesh in the food and gave us to eat of it without our knowledge.
It is not at all impossible that I had myself eaten a few slices of my sister's flesh! And now it has come to be my turn . . .
Although I have a tradition of four thousand years of man-eating, I did not know till now how difficult it is to find a true and innocent man.
13.
Maybe there are still some infants that have not yet eaten men.
Save, save the infants . . .
- ↑ An allusion to the Classics, which have been characterized by their critics as of no more value and no more edifying than the account book kept by shopkeepers.
- ↑ Ch'ih, to eat, is used also in the sense of taking medicine.
- ↑ That is, the Pen Ts'ao Kang Mu, the Chinese Materia Medica as revised and enlarged by Li Shih-chen.
- ↑ The legend alluded to here actually centers around King Wen. When he was served with his own son's flesh by the tyrant Chou, he pretended not to know the truth. Had he betrayed the intuition that was attributed to him as a great sage, Chou would have murdered him as a potential rival.
- ↑ Revolutionary executed in 1907. His body was reported mutilated and his heart devoured by the bodyguards of the Manchu official whom he had assassinated.
- ↑ This incident forms the central theme in "Medicine," included in Snow's Living China.
- ↑ There is a superstition that such an act of piety would move the gods and bring about the recovery of the parents.