Alice's Adventures in Cambridge/V

by Richard Conover Evarts

CHAPTER V

Tweedle and Twaddle

THEY were standing under a tree, each with his hand over the other's mouth.

At first Alice had some difficulty in telling them apart, they were dressed so exactly alike, but she soon noticed that one of them had a very sad expression.

"That must be Twaddle," she thought. "I have heard somewhere that he has a gloomy disposition. I wonder if they can tell me the way out of the wood."

"Please—" she began aloud.

"Don't say that," cried both the little men together, uncovering each other's mouth; "it isn't literary."

"I'm not trying to be literary," Alice said.

"But you should try," said Twaddle, "especially when you are in our company. You see, we are very literary."

"Yes," said Tweedle pointing to Twaddle; "he is so literary that he 's absolutely un­intelligible."

Twaddle gave a deep sigh, and two large tears rolled down his cheeks.

"What is the matter?" said Alice. "You must have hurt his feelings."

"Oh no," said Tweedle. "He is just tak­ing himself seriously, that's all. He is pretty good at it, but I can do almost as well. Watch me."

Thereupon Tweedle also heaved a deep sigh and two large tears trickled down his cheeks. This made Alice feel very uncomfortable. She thought she ought to say something to cheer them up, but was not quite certain how to begin.

"Can you tell me," she asked at last, "the way out of the wood?"

Twaddle dried his eyes with a large yellow pocket-handkerchief.

"I don't know how to go out," he said, "but I can tell you how to come out. I come out every month. That's why I am some­ times called the Monthly."

"And I come out every other week," said Tweedle.

"Are you coming out this week?" asked Alice.

"No. I come out last week and next week, but never this week," said Tweedle.

"But you must come out this week some­ times," Alice said.

"No, I don't," replied Tweedle. "I come out every other week. This week isn't any other week."

"How dreadfully confusing," said Alice.

"I knew he would confuse you," said Twaddle. "He's almost as unintelligible as I am. That's one reason why he is some­times called an Advocate."

"Are advocates confusing?" asked Alice.

"You wouldn't ask that," said Twaddle, shaking his head sadly, "if you had ever been to law."

"Have you ever been to law?" Alice asked.

"Not exactly," said Twaddle, "but if we combine as they want us to, there is sure to be trouble."

"A combination in restraint of trade, you see," Tweedle explained.

"But it would be a great advantage to you," said Alice, "to join hands instead of covering each other's mouth."

"Exactly," said Twaddle, "the law and the profits."

Alice could not see that this last remark made any sense at all, but she said nothing.

"Would you like to hear some poetry?" Tweedle said after a pause.

"Not if it's very long," said Alice.

Tweedle paid no attention to her, but cleared his throat and began in a very solemn voice:

"The Taussig and the Bushnell Hart
Were lecturing in Greek.
"They wept like anything to see
The benches bare and bleak.
"'If these were only occupied,'
They said, 'why, we would speak.'

"'If seven grinds with seven heads
Sat here for half a year,
"Do you suppose,' the Taussig said,
'That we could make it clear?'
"'I doubt it,' said the Bushnell Hart,
And shed a bitter tear.

"'O Students, come and listen now,'
The Taussig did beseech,
"'Political Economy
Is what I strive to teach,
"The Bushnell Hart will also make
An unimpassioned speech.'

"The Senior Student looked at him,
But never a word he said;
"The Senior Student winked his eye,
And shook his wise old head—
"Meaning to say that when he slept
He liked to have a bed.

"But younger Students hurried up,
And even took the pains
"To bring their note-books and their pens
For intellectual gains.
"And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any brains.

"'The time has come,' the Taussig said,
'To lecture by and large
"Upon the unearned increment
Of Cleopatra's Barge,
"And what the scale of prices is
When buying stocks on marge.'

"'And I,' the Bushnell Hart began,
'Will speak of many things:
"First, whether slaves were really slaves,
Or whether they wore rings;
"Or whether John Brown's Body
Has started sprouting wings.'

"'A diagram,' the Taussig said,
'Perhaps will tell you more
"Of what I mean in heading G,
Sub-heading number four.'
"The Students all were silent
Excepting for a snore.

"The Taussig and the Bushnell Hart
Talked on an hour or so,
"Elucidating simple facts
That Students ought to know.
"(The two back rows were fast asleep;
The rest were feeling low.)

"'O Students,' said the Bushnell Hart,
'What have you learned to-day?
"Did you enjoy my anecdotes?'
The Students did not say;
"And this was scarcely odd, because
They all had passed away."

"How very interesting!" said Alice after it was finished.

"Contrariwise," Twaddle remarked. "It isn't poetry. I could understand every single word of it."