Diamonds To Sit On/Chapter 27
CHAPTER XXVII
HUSBAND AND WIFE
THE reporter Persitsky was actively preparing for the bicentenary of the great mathematician Isaac Newton. At the height of his work Stepan came in from the 'Science and Life' section and a fat woman came trailing in after him.
'Comrade Persitsky,' he said, 'this citizen has come to see you on business.' Then he turned to the woman and said: 'Come in, citizen, come in. Comrade Persitsky will explain everything to you.' He grinned at Persitsky and then went out of the room.
'Well,' said Persitsky, 'what can I do for you?'
The widow Gritsatsuev, for it was she, looked sadly at the reporter and without saying a word thrust a piece of paper at him.
'Yes,' said Persitsky. '" Knocked down by a horse.... Escaped with a fright."... Well, what of it?'
'The address,' murmured the widow pleadingly. 'Can you tell me what the address is?'
'Whose address?'
'Ostap Bender's.
'Why should I know what his address is?'
'But the other comrade told me you would know it.'
'I don't know anything of the sort. Go and ask at the post office.'
'But perhaps you'll remember it. He was wearing yellow boots'
'But, my dear woman, I'm wearing yellow boots, and there are two hundred thousand other people in Moscow who, for all I know, are walking about in yellow boots. Perhaps you'd like me to find out their addresses for you? Of course I can easily stop what I'm doing and i82
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help you. I d be able to send the addresses to you in about SIX months’ time, shouldn’t I ? ’ And then dropping his sarcastic tone he continued : ‘ I’m very busy, citizen.’ But the widow, who had listened to Persitsky with great respect, bustled out of the room and down the corridor after him repeating her request: ‘ The address comrade. The address.’ . Stepan is ! ’ thought Persitsky 1 U pay him out for this.’ He turned round and faced the widow.
What d’you think I can do ? ’ he asked in an
irntat<;(I voice. ‘ Where do you think I can get Ostap Bender’s address from ? Do you think I’m the horse that knocked him down ? Or the cabman he punched ? ’ But the widow persisted : ‘Comrade, . . . limplore The day’s work was over and the offices and corridors in the building were rapidly becoming empty. Some where or other the last page of a letter was being tapped out on a typewriter. ° ‘ You must excuse me, madam,’ said Persitsky ‘ but you can see I am busy.’ With these words he disappeared into a room, and after wasting ten minutes or so he came out again The widow was bustling up and down the corridor^ As soon as she saw him, she began all over again about Bender s address until Persitsky was furious ‘ Confound you ! ’ he shouted. ' I’U tell you where you’ll find your Bender. Go straight down the corri dor, turn to the right, and then straight on until you KI f*”' Cherepennikov. He 11 be able to help you.’ And, delighted with his trick, Persitsky disappeared so rapidly that the widow had not even time to ask him anything else. Madam Gritsatsuev sailed down the corridor and after turning to the right she began to hurry. A man in HUSBAND AND WIFE
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a pale blue waistcoat was coming towards her. It was obvious from the expression on his face that his visit to the newspaper office at such a late hour was most important, but he certainly had not expected to meet his wife. As soon as he saw the widow, Bender turned on his heel and, keeping close to the waU, hurried along the corridor. ‘ Comrade Bender! ’ she screamed with dehght. ‘ Where are you going ? ’ The great schemer increased his pace, but the widow also increased hers. ‘ Wait! Wait ! ’ she shouted. ‘ I want to teU you something.’ But her words did not reach Bender’s ears, for he was already four corridors away, racing along and bounding upstairs. All she could hear was the echo of his footsteps. ‘ Thank you very much,’ Bender said to himself as he took a rest on the fifth corridor. ‘ A nice time to choose for a rendezvous ! What does she want here? It is high time for us to liquidate the Moscow part of our adventure, or it may end badly for me.’ Meanwhile the widow, who was separated from him by three stories, several hundred doors, and a dozen corridors, mopped her face with the hem of her skirt and then set out again in pursuit of her love. She wanted to meet him as quickly as possible and come to some understanding with him. But all the corridors and all the doors were alike, and she was frightened. She wanted to get out, and faster and faster she ran down the corridors, imtil she could hardly stop herself, and as she ran the doors of the various departments seemed to flash past her at a terrific rate. At last she came out on to a landing. It was dark, but she overcame her fear, ran downstairs, and tugged violently at the handle of a door that had glass panels in it. The door was locked, so she rushed upstairs 184
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door through which she had just come had been quietly shut and locked by some careful hand She ran downstairs again to the glass-panelled door, sat down, and began to think of her miserable plight. Now and again she dozed as she waited for the morning to come. ° yellow light from the corridor lamps poured through the glass panels on to the widow, and the grey morning light began to creep through the staircase window. Suddenly the widow heard footsteps in the corridor on the other side of the door, and as she stood up and pressed her face against the glass, she saw a pale blue waistcoat flash at the other end of the corridor Bender came slowly towards the door, flicking the dust from his coat. called the widow through the door Darhng ! Swee-t-heart ! ’ She breathed on the glass panel with inexpressible tenderness until a warm haze came over it, and through the haze she could see that exquisite colour, pale blue. Bender had not heard the widow’s cooing, for he was too worried. Another minute and he would vanish out of her sight. With a desperate cry of ‘ Comrade •.K strum on the glass with her knuckles. The great schemer turned round. Oho ! he said, as he realized that he was separated from his wife by a locked door. ' Are you here too ? ’ Yes ! Yes ! ’ she panted joyfully. your arms round me, my love,’ said Bender mwkmgly. It is so long since we were together.’ thp agitated and threw herself against tne door hke a bird in a cage. stretched out his arms. Vr. to me, my darhng wife ? Your husband is so tired of being alone.’ ’ thA implored for the fifth time. * Open the door. Comrade Bender ! ’ HUSBAND AND WIFE
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‘Not so much noise,’ said Bender. ‘ A woman should be more modest. Why all these httle jumps ? ’ The widow was in agony. ‘ What’s the matter with you ? ’ called Bender. ‘ Fancy asking such a thing,’ said the widow, as she began to weep. ‘ Wipe your eyes, my dear. Each of your tears is but a molecule in the cosmos.’ ' I’ve been waiting and waiting for you. I’ve closed my shop and I’ve come aU this way to look for you.’ ‘ Weil, how do you hke your new home on the stairs ? Is it draughty ? ’ The widow’s sorrow turned to rage. ‘ Traitor ! ’ she suddenly hissed. Bender had very httle time left. He snapped his fingers at her and was about to turn on his heel. ‘ May you burst! ’ shouted the widow through the door. ‘ You’ve stolen my bracelet, and it was my husband’s present to me. And what possessed you to take that chair ? ’ ‘ I think you’re beginning to be personal,’ said Bender coldly. ‘ You’re a thief 1 You’re a thief 1 ’ shouted the widow. ‘ Now then, my lady, just you remember that Ostap Bender has never stolen anything in his life.’ ‘ Who took the tea-strainer ? ’ ‘ Oh ! the tea-strainer ? You consider that a theft ? In that case our views on life are diametrically opposed.’ ' You took it! You’re a thief! ’ ' If that’s what you think we shall have to separate. I am quite agreeable to a divorce.’ The widow hurled herself against the door, and the glass panels rattled. Bender realized that it was time for him to go. ‘ There is no time for embraces,’ he said. ‘ Good-bye, my love. We meet and part hke ships in the night.’ i86
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‘ Help ! Help ! ’ yelled the widow. But Bender was at the other end of the corridor by now. He climbed on to a window-sill, jumped down to the ground and disappeared round the corner. The widow shouted so loudly that she roused the night porter, who began to prowl round the building grumbling as he went up and down the corridors. At last he found the prisoner and released her, but not before he had threatened her with a fine.