Diamonds To Sit On/Chapter 39
CHAPTER XXXIX
AN EARTHQUAKE
'WELL, what d'you think?' said Bender, as the two friends were approaching Sioni.
'What can we do to earn money in this wretched place, seven thousand odd feet above sea-level?'
Hippolyte was silent. His only means of earning a livelihood was begging, but there was no one from whom he could beg on these lonely paths. Besides, there was poverty here too, a special kind of poverty, an alpine poverty. Each motor-bus or private car that passed slowly through the village up here was followed by the children, who, after dancing the "lezghinka", would run after them shouting: 'Give us a copper! Give us a copper!'
The passengers would throw coins to them and the cars would move on.
'A good idea,' said Bender. 'No outlay of capital required. Small profits, but extremely useful for us in our present position.'
At two o'clock on the afternoon of the second day of their march Hippolyte, under the supervision of the great schemer, performed his first dance in public. The dance was similar to the mazurka, but the tourists were so intoxicated with the wild beauty of the Caucasus that they thought it was the national dance— the "lezghinka"—and rewarded him with three coppers. When the next car arrived, which turned out to be a motor-bus going from Tiflis to Vladikavkaz, Bender to dance and leap in the air.
'Give us money! Give us money!' he shouted angrily. The passengers roared with laughter and generously rewarded his antics. Bender picked up thirty copecks, but at that moment the Sioni children to hurl stones at their rivals. Bender and Hippolyte fled from the attack and walked rapidly to the next village, where they spent their well-earned money on bread and cheese. In this way the two friends went on for several days. They spent the night in mountain caves, and on the fourth day they came down a zigzag path into the Kaishaur Valley. The sun beat down on to them and they began to feel warm again after being so high up. They found a number of people from whom they could beg, borrow, or steal, which cheered them up enormously, and they began to walk faster until they came to a place called Passanaur, There was an hotel there and a number of houses. The two friends were given some bread, and they lay down in the bushes opposite to the Hétel de France, that had a garden in which two bear cubs were fastened to a chain. Bender and Hippolyte enjoyed the delicious bread and a well-earned rest.
Their rest, however, was soon disturbed by the hooting of motor-cars, the crunching of wheels on gravel, and the sound of voices. The two friends peered out through the bushes and saw two new cars draw up at the entrance to the hotel. Persitsky jumped out of the first car and the head of the 'Law and Life' section jumped out after him, and these two were soon followed by the various other members of the Stanok automobile club.
'Here we are!' shouted Persitsky. 'Proprietor, we want fifteen shashlyks[1].
'Don't you recognize him?' asked Bender. 'It's the reporter from the Scriabin, one of the critics of our masterpiece. But fancy arriving so grandly. wonder what it means.'
Bender went up to the visitors, who by now were devouring shashlyk, and bowed in the most elegant fashion to Persitsky. 262
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' Bonjour,’ said the reporter. ' I think I have met you before. Ah ! yes, I remember, of course—you’re the artist from the Scriabin.’ Bender put his hand on his heart and made a deep bow. ‘But let me see,’ said the reporter, who had an amazing memory. ‘ Weren’t you knocked down by a horse in Moscow ? It was in Sverdlov Square I thmk.’ I was, said Bender, ‘ and according to your clever account I escaped with a fright.’ ‘ Are you still an artist ? ’ No, I’m on holiday at present.’ ' Walking ? ’ ' Yes, walking. Experts maintain, you know, that It IS simply absurd to travel by car along the Georgian military road.’ Not always absurd, my dear friend—not always. Now we, for instance, are not travelling so absurdly, for the cars, as you can see for yourself, are our own. 1 repeat our own, collectively owned. A direct route from Moscow to Tiflis—hardly any petrol required, ^eat comfort, speed and well-sprung seats. Quite European.’ ‘ Where have you got them from ? ’ asked Bender enviously. ‘ Have you won a hundred thousand ? ’ Not a hundred, but we’ve won fifty thousand ’ At cards ? ’ ‘ No. We won it on our certificate which belonged to the automobile club.’ ‘ Ye^^’ you’ve bought cars with the money ? ’ Perhaps you want a guide ? I know of a young man who is very sober and most reliable.’ I don’t think we do.’ ‘ You don’t ? ’ ‘ don’t want an artist either ! ’ Well, if that’s so, give me ten roubles.’ an earthquake
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‘ Avdotin,’ said Persitsky, ‘ give him three roubles on my account. I don’t want a receipt ‘ That’s very little, said Bender , but 111 accept it I can understand your diBculties. Of cou^e if you had won a hundred thousand you would probably have given me five roubles. In any case, many ‘"Bender raised his hat politely, Persitsky- bowed jumped into one of the magnificent cars, and drove away, leaving Bender with his fool of a companion "‘“wS" theVsmlrt'r iid Bender. ' They’™ won
fifty thousand roubles. Pussy, and you can see for yourself how they have bought up all sorts of Mecham Ll rubbish. Now, when we get our money we U spend it much more rationally, won’t we ? The two friends left Passanaur, building castles! m the air and dreaming of what they would buy, wig they were rich. Hippolyte could see himself new socks and setting out for a long^ but Bender had more ambitious schemes He wanted to erect a dam across the Blue Nile, he wanted to open a casino in Riga with affiliations m all countnes
°“^the°third day they reached Mtsl^et, thegncgnt capital of Georgia, where they were nogfar^frr^m. Tiflg^ A kind neasant gave them a lift as far as li , Hiev arrived at eleven o’clock at night, the very hour whL the citizens come out into th® cool evenmg enjoy the fresh air after the heat of the_day. ‘ it’s not a bad little town, said Bender. You ^^But Binder did not finish his sentence. He ran after a man, overtook him, and began an animated conversation with him. Shortly afterwards he cam back to Hippolyte, dug him in the ribs, and said m nnick undertone : ‘ Do you know who it is . it s Kislyarsky from Stargorod. Come on, let us go an 264
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paradoxical the flthpr^f p thought and +n El Russian democracy. Now, don’t forget to blow out your cheeks and try to look important
if I don t get fifty roubles out of him within the next ten minutes Th eat my hat I ’ Kislyarsky, who was standing a few yards away from the two men. He was dressed in a ussore suit, and was looking absolutely terrified, whil^^r’ said Bender in a Sr tn ;hP Premember that this gentleman is of Ru?qi?n thought, and the father clothS ^°tice of his snSacT ? V ’’""ause of the con spiracy. Take us somewhere at once! We must discuss matters with you ! ’ Kislyarsky had come to the Caucasus to take a rest He wts t H Stargorod worries behind. He was very downcast and muttered somethin^ about caXe ?n“rf '’•h"’ I"' Ss i^ a carriage to David s Mount, where they got into the up to an open-air restaurant them thousands of lights were soon left far below stars' seemed to be going straight up to the orXestra arranged on a lawn where a Caucasian J 1 ■ Pj^y^’^g and a little girl was dancing the lezghinka in and out of the tables much to the delight of her parents who were watching her. Order something! ’ said Bender to Kislyarsky cheX “d salt gSS
something to eat,’ added Bender. ‘ If you we have had to live through to-day, astounded at our courage.’^ win bSin’ ‘ sufferings will begin. Why didn’t I go to the Crimea ? I thought M?
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of going to the Crimea, and Henrietta advised me to go to the Crimea.’ But he ordered two shashlyks without a murmur and turned politely to Bender. ‘ Well,’ said Bender, looking round and lowering his voice, ‘ I can tell you all about it in two words. We’ve been watched for the last two months, and to-morrow we expect to be raided in our head-quarters. We shall have to defend ourselves with revolvers.’ At this Kislyarsky’s face turned ashen. ‘ In such a difficult time,’ continued Bender, ‘ we are fortunate in meeting such a devoted patriot.’ ' Er—yes,’ said Hippolyte suddenly. 'Yes,’ said Bender, ‘ with your help we hope to repulse the enemy. I can give you a revolver.’ ‘ You don’t need to,’ said Kislyarsky firmly. And they learnt that it was quite impossible for him to take part in the battle ; that he was very sorry, but he could not, for he knew nothing at all about military matters. He was extremely sorry, but he could only help to save the life of the father of Russian democracy by rendering some slight financial assistance.
- You are a faithful son of your country ! ’ said
Bender triumphantly as he stuffed his mouth with shashlyk. ‘ Five hundred roubles will save the giant of thought.’ ‘ Tell me,’ said Kislyarsky plaintively, ‘ won’t two hundred roubles be enough ? ’ Bender could not control himself any longer and kicked Hippolyte under the table. ‘ I think,’ said Hippolyte grandly, ‘ that bargaining is rather out of place.’ Bender kicked him again, which meant, ‘ Bravo, Pussy ! You’ve learnt your lesson.’ It was the first time in his life that Kislyarsky had heard the giant of thought speak, and he was so sur prised that he immediately handed five hundred roubles to Bender, promptly paid the bill, left the two friends at the table, and excused himself by saying that he had 266
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a terrible headache. Half an hour later he sent a telegram to his wife in Stargorod: ' Following your advice. Going to Crimea.’ The long privations which the great schemer had endured required immediate compensation, and he got so drunk that night that he nearly fell out of the funicular on the way down to the hotel. The next day he bought himself a wonderful grey suit. He was very hot in the suit, but that did not matter ; he insisted upon walking about in it although he was bathed in perspiration. Hippolyte bought a ready made white pique suit and a naval cap with gold braid on it and a badge belonging to some unknown yachting club fastened to the front of the cap. He looked like a musical comedy sailor, but he carried himself well and walked with a firmer step. ‘ You look splendid ! ’ said Bender. ‘ And now we can enjoy ourselves for a while.’ ‘ Comrade Bender,’ said Hippolyte, ‘ what about that chair ? We must find out what has happened to the Columbus Theatre company.’ ‘ Don’t teach me what to do or how to live,’ said Bender, prancing round one of the hotel chairs. ‘ I’ve got money, but I am magnanimous. I will give you twenty roubles and three days in which to paint the town red. Go and enjoy yourself. Pussy.’ The friends drank heavily all the week until Hippolyte’s suit had wine spilt over it and Bender’s new suit was ruined. ‘ Good morning,’ said Bender on the eighth day, for he woke up with a clear head and had been reading the morning paper. ' Listen, you old drunkard over there—^just listen to what sensible people write in the papers : THEATRE NEWS Yesterday, the third of September, after having given several performances in Tiflis, the Columbus Theatre company left for Yalta. The company intend to stay in the Crimea until the beginning of the winter season in Moscow.
'Well, what did I tell you?’ said Hippolyte.
'What did you tell me?’ snapped Bender. However, he was worried. He did not like the mistake he had made, for it meant that instead of ending their search for the diamonds in Tiflis, they would have to go to the Crimea.
Bender set to work at once, took tickets for Batum, and booked second-class passages on the steamer Pestel, which was due to leave Batum for Odessa on September 7th at 23 o’clock, by Moscow time.
Three days later, as the Pestel was being tossed about on the Black Sea, Hippolyte had a bad dream. He dreamt that he was dressed in his admiral’s suit and was standing on the balcony of his Stargorod horne. He knew that the crowd waiting below was expecting something from him, when suddenly a large crane swung over and dropped a black pig at his feet. Then the porter, Tikhon, appeared in a well-cut suit and, seizing the black pig by its hind legs, said; It s no use! The Nymphs never provide fringes.’ Hippolyte suddenly discovered that he was holding a dagger in his hand. He thrust it into the pig’s back and diamonds poured out of the deep wound and began to jump about on the balcony. Louder and louder they rattled, until the noise was so terrifying and intolerable that Hippolyte woke up and heard the wind howling and roaring over the ship. The sea was raging.
They approached Yalta in glorious sunshine and Hippolyte soon recovered from sea-sickness. He could see little shops and restaurants on the shore and a row of cabs, motor-cars, and buses that were lined up by the landing-stage. The two friends were the first to come down the gangway. 268
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tussore suit, who had been watching the passengers disembark, darted to one side and tried to escape. It was too late. Bender’s eagle eye had recognized that tussore suit. ‘ I shan’t be a minute. Pussy,’ shouted Bender. ‘ Wait for me.’ He ran so quickly that he soon overtook the man in the tussore suit, and within two minutes returned with a hundred roubles in his hand. ‘ He wouldn’t give me any more. However, I didn’t insist, as he only had his return fare with him.’ Within half an hour Kislyarsky fled by motor-car to Sevastopol, and travelled third-class from there to Stargorod. The two friends spent the day in an hotel. It was so hot that they lay stretched out naked on the floor, and every few minutes they would run to the bath room for a shower-bath. But the water was tepid and they could not escape the heat. At about eight o’clock in the evening they cursed all the chairs in the world, put on their hot clothes, and set out for the theatre. The play was Gogol’s Marriage. The adventurers were delighted to see their chair on the stage, together with three new chairs. They hid in one of the boxes and waited for the end of the play, but it seemed as if it would never come to an end. At last the audience began to put on their coats and the actors went to change. The theatre was soon empty. ‘ Follow me,’ said Bender. ‘ If anything happens, you and I are provincials who have not been able to And an exit.’ They climbed on to the stage, and after striking matches and stumbling over the hydraulic press they looked round for the chair. The great schemer climbed up a ladder. Come up ! ’ he shouted, and Hippolyte followed him up the ladder. ‘Can you see? ’asked Bender as he struck another match.
The Gambs chair was in one of the dark corners.
‘There stands our future, our present, and our past,’ said Bender as he hurried down to the stage again.
‘Now, come along, keep on striking matches. Pussy, and I’ll rip it open.’
Bender fumbled in his pocket for a tool.
‘Now,’ he said as he stretched out his hand to take hold of the chair, ‘ just one more match, if you please.’
The match flared up, and suddenly a strange thing happened. The chair was jerked to one side and fell through the floor under the very eyes of the two men. ‘Mother!’ cried Hippolyte as he ran to the wall for protection.
The theatre rocked, the panes fell out of the windows, and Bender lay on the floor almost crushed by scenery that had fallen on to him. It was midnight. It was the first tremors of the great Crimean earthquake of 1927.
This shock that caused untold misery to the whole peninsula had wrenched the treasure out of the adventurers’ hands.
'Comrade Bender!’ yelled Hippolyte in a terrified voice. ‘What’s happening?’
Bender was beside himself with rage. The earthquake had played him a shabby trick, and it was the first time that such a thing had ever happened to him.
‘What is it?’ wailed Hippolyte.
Shouts and yells came from the street. People were rushing about outside.
‘We must get into the street before we are buried alive,’ shouted Bender. ‘Be quick! Be quick! Come on; give me your hand, you old fool!’
They ran to one of the exits of the theatre and to their surprise the Gambs chair was lying intact near the door. With a screech of delight Hippolyte clutched at the chair. 270
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‘ Give me the pincers ! ’ he shouted to Bender.
- You’re a fool! ’ yelled Bender. ‘ The ceiling will
fall in. Be quick, you idiot ! Get into the open ! ’ ‘ The pincers ! ’ yelled Hippolyte. ‘ Go to the devil! You can die with your chair if you want to, but I value my life, thank you.’ And with these words Bender rushed through the door. Hippolyte picked up the chair and chased after Bender. No sooner were they in the street than the earth trembled and the roof of the theatre fell in. ‘ Now then, hand over that chair,’ said Bender. ‘ I see you are tired of carrying it.’ ‘ I shall do nothing of the kind,’ retorted Hippolyte. ‘ What’s this mean ? Revolt ? Give me that chair at once ! Do you hear ? ’ ‘ It’s my chair.’ ‘ Well, in that case, take this, you old fool! ’ said Bender and punched Hippolyte’s head. At that moment a fire-engine raced down the street and in the glare of the headlights Hippolyte saw such a terrible expression on Bender’s face that he immediately let go of the chair.
- That’s better,’ said Bender. ‘ The meeting is at
an end. Pick up that chair and carry it behind me, and remember you’re responsible for the safety of it no matter what the earthquake does to you. You’ve got to save that chair. Do you understand ? ’ ‘Yes,’ said Hippolyte meekly. All night the friends wandered about among the panic-stricken crowds, feeling, like every one else, that they dared not return to their rooms in case there was a fresh shock. At dawn, when the panic had subsided a little. Bender chose a place far away from walls that might crash on them or people who might disturb him, and began to rip up the chair. They were dumbfounded. There was nothing but tufhng in the chair, and Hippolyte, who had been greatly shaken by the earthquake, could not control himself and began to roar with laughter. Immediately after this there was a fresh shock: the earth cracked almost under their feet and swallowed the Gambs chair and upholstery that was lying about. Hippolyte was crawling round on all fours, his face turned up towards the sun: the great schemer had fainted. When Bender came to again, he saw that Hippolyte was lying at his side; he too had fainted.
‘After all,’ said Bender in a weak voice, ‘ we’ve still one chance left. The last chair——’ At the sound of the word ‘chair’ Hippolyte opened his eyes. ‘The last chair disappeared into the goods yard of the October railway station,’ continued Bender, ‘ but it has certainly not been swallowed up in an earthquake. Why worry? Let the good work go on!
- ↑ A favourite dish in the Caucasus.