Familiar Colloquies/The Commands of a Master

by Desiderius Erasmus

THE COMMANDS OF A MASTER.

Rabanus, Syrus.

Calling up the Sleeper.

Ra.	Soho, soho, rascal, I am hoarse a bawling to you, and you lie snoring still; you will sleep for ever I think in my conscience; either get up presently or I will rouse you with a good cudgel. When will you have slept out your yesterday's debauch? Are you not ashamed, you sleepy sot, to lie a-bed till this time of day? Good servants rise as soon as it is day, and take care to get everything in order before their master rises. How loth this drone is to leave his warm nest! He is a whole hour scratching, and stretching, and yawning.
Sy.	It is scarce day yet.
Ra.	I believe not to you; it is midnight yet to your eyes.
Sy.	What do you want me to do?
Ra.	Make the fire burn, brush my cap and cloak, clean my shoes and galoshes, take my stockings and turn them inside out, and brush them well, first within and then without, burn a little perfume to sweeten the air, light a candle, give me a clean shirt, air it well before a clear fire.
Sy.	It shall be done, sir.
Ra.	But make haste then; all this ought to have been done before now.
Sy.	I do make haste, sir.
Ra.	I see what haste you make, you are never the forwarder, you go a snail's gallop.
Sy.	Sir, I cannot do two things at once.
Ra.	You scoundrel, do you speak sentences too? Take away the chamber-pot, lay the bed-clothes to rights, draw back the curtains, sweep the house, sweep the chamber-floor, fetch me some water to wash my hands. What are you a sliving about, you drone? You are a year a lighting a candle.
Sy.	I can t find a spark of fire.
Ra.	It is so you raked it up last night?
Sy.	I have no bellows.
Ra.	How the knave thwarts me, as if he that has you can want bellows. Sy. What an imperious master have I gotten! Ten of the nimblest fellows in the world are scarce sufficient to perform his orders.
Ra.	What is that you say, you slowback?
Sy.	Nothing at all, sir.
Ra.	No, sirrah, did I not hear you mutter?
Sy.	I was saying my prayers.
Ra.	I believe so, but it was the Lord's Prayer backwards then. Pray, what was that you were chattering about imperiousness?
Sy.	I was wishing you might be an emperor.
Ra.	And I wish you may be made a man of a stump of a tree. Wait upon me to church, and then run home and make the bed, and put everything in its place; let the house be set to rights from top to bottom, rub the chamber-pot, put these foul things out of sight, perhaps I may have some gentry come to pay me a visit; if I find anything out of order I will thrash you soundly.
Sy.	I know your good humour well enough in that matter.
Ra.	Then it behoves you to look about you, if you are wise.
Sy.	But all this while here is not one word about dinner.
Ra.	Out, you villain, one may see what your mind runs on. I do not dine at home, therefore come to me a little before ten o'clock, that you may wait upon me where I am to go to dinner.
Sy.	You have taken care of yourself, but there is not a bit of bread for me to put into my head.
Ra.	If you have nothing to eat, you have something to hunger after.
Sy.	But fasting won't fill the belly.
Ra.	There is bread for you.
Sy.	There is so, but it is as black as my hat, and as coarse as the bran itself.
Ra.	You dainty chapped fellow, you ought to be fed with hay, if you had such commons as you deserve. What, I warrant you, Mr. Ass, you must be fed with plumcakes, must you? If you cannot eat dry bread, take a leek to eat with it, or an onion, if you like that better.

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Sending about various Businesses.

Ra.	You must go to market.
Sy.	What, so far!
Ra.	It is not a stone's-throw off, but it seems two miles to such an idle fellow as you; but, however, I will save you as much labour as I can; you shall dispatch several businesses in one errand; count them upon your fingers, that you may not forget any of them: first of all step to the salesman, and bring my watered camblet doublet, if it be done; then go and inquire for Cornelius the waggoner (he is commonly at the sign of the Roebuck, he uses that house), ask him if he has any letters for me, and what day he sets out on his journey; then go to the woollen draper, and tell him from me not to be uneasy that I have not sent him the money at the time appointed, for he shall have it in a very little time.
Sy.	When? To-morrow come never?
Ra.	Do you grin, you pimp? Yes, before the first of March: and as you come back, turn on the left hand and go to the bookseller, and inquire of him if there be any new books come out of Germany learn what they are, and the price of them; then desire Goclenius to do me the honour to come to supper with me tell him I must sup by myself if he don't.
Sy.	What do you invite guests to? You have not victuals enough in the house to give a mouse a meal.
Ra.	And when you have done all these, go to the market and buy a shoulder of mutton, and get it nicely roasted: do you hear this?
Sy.	I hear more than I like to hear.
Ra.	But take you care you remember them all.
Sy.	I shall scarce be able to remember half of them.
Ra.	What, do you stand loitering here, you idle knave? You might have been back before now.
Sy.	What one person in the world can do all these? Truly I must wait upon him out, and attend upon him home; I am his swabber, his chamberlain, his footman, his clerk, his butler, his bookkeeper, his brawl, his errand-boy, and last of all, he does not think I have business enough upon my hands unless I am his cook too.

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Riding.

Ra.	Bring me my boots, I am to ride out.
Sy.	Here they are, sir.
Ra.	You have looked after them bravely; they are all over mouldy with lying by; I believe they have not been cleaned nor greased these twelve months; they are so dry, they chap again; wipe them with a wet cloth, and liquor them well before the fire, and chafe them till they grow soft.
Sy.	It shall be done, sir.
Ra.	Where are my spurs?
Sy.	Here they are.
Ra.	Ay, here they are indeed, but all eaten up with rust. Where is my bridle and saddle?
Sy.	They are just by.
Ra.	See that nothing is wanting or broken, or ready to break, that nothing may be a hindrance to us when we are upon our journey. Run to the saddler's and get him to mend that rein; when you come back, look upon the horses feet, and shoes, and see if there be any nails wanting or loose. How lean and rough these horses are! How often do you rub them down, or comb them in a year?
Sy.	I am sure I do it every day. Ha. That may be seen; I believe they have not had a bit of victuals for three days together.
Sy.	Indeed they have, sir.
Ra.	You say so, but the horses would tell me another tale if they could but speak, though indeed their leanness speaks loud enough.
Sy.	Indeed I take all the care in the world of them.
Ra.	How comes it about then that they do not look as well as you do?
Sy.	Because I do not eat hay.
Ra.	You have this to do still; make ready my portmanteau quickly.
Sy.	It shall be done.