Mother Goose for Grownups/The Commendable Castigation of Old Mother Hubbard
She was one of those creatures
Whose features
Are hard beyond any reclaim;
And she loved in a hovel
To grovel,
And she hadn’t a cent to her name.
She owned neither gallants
Nor talents;
She borrowed extensively, too,
From all of her dozens
Of cousins,
And never refunded a sou:
Yet all they said in abuse of her
Was: “She is prouder than Lucifer!”
(That, I must say, without meaning to blame,
Is always the way with that kind of a dame!)
There never was jolli-
Er colley
Than Old Mother Hubbard had found,
Though cheaply she bought him,
She’d taught him
To follow her meekly around:
But though she would lick him
And kick him,
It never had any effect;
He always was howling
And growling,
But goodness! What could you expect?
Colleys were never to flourish meant
’Less they had plenty of nourishment,
All that he had were the feathers she’d pluck
Off an occasional chicken or duck.
The colley was barred in
The garden,
He howled and he wailed and he whined.
The neighbors indignant,
Malignant
Petitions unanimous signed.
“The nuisance grows nightly,”
Politely
They wrote. “It’s an odious hound,
And either you’ll fill him,
Or kill him,
Or else he must go to the pound.
For if this howling infernally
Is to continue nocturnally—
Pardon us, ma’am, if we seem to be curt—
Somebody’s apt to get horribly hurt!”
Mother Hubbard cried loudly
And proudly:
“Lands sakes! But you give yourselves airs!
I’ll take the law to you
And sue you.”
The neighbors responded: “Who cares?
We none of us care if
The sheriff
Lock every man jack of us up;
We won’t be repining
At fining
So long as we’re rid of the pup!”
They then proceeded to mount a sign,
Bearing this ominous countersign:
“Freemen! The moment has come to protest
And Old Mother Hubbard delendum est!”
They marched to her gateway,
And straightway
They trampled all over her lawn;
Most rudely they harried
And carried
Her round on a rail until dawn.
They marred her, and jarred her,
And tarred her
And feathered her, just as they should,
Of speech they bereft her,
And left her
With: “Now do you think you’ll be good!”
The moral’s a charmingly pleasing one.
While we would deprecate teasing one,
Still, when a dame has politeness rebuffed,
She certainly ought to be collared and cuffed.