would retain the services of a newspaper man to prepare a memorial to the Bench. In 1855 an individual, whose cognomen commenced with a "P.," wealthy and well known, with more bank-notes than brains, conceived an ardent longing to secure a seat in the first Legislature of the colony. He meditated a raid upon a Western constituency, and believed that if he could get up a rousing speech, and deliver it well at meetings to be held throughout the district, he would carry the election. He conferred with Mr. Finn, of the Herald, and was frankly told not to make a fool of himself. The would-be senator indignantly replied that his mind was made up, and start he would, sink or swim, regardless of consequences; but I wish you to write me a speech, and show me how to speak it properly, and I will pay you well for it. "Very well, P——————," was the practical rejoinder, "My figure, and I have no second price, will be fifteen guineas for a speech, and five guineas for lessons in elocution, which latter mean showing you how to deliver it. But you are distinctly to understand that beyond supplying the speech, and doing all I can to try and make you master it, I have no further responsibility; and our bargain gives no claim whatever for any kind of puffing or support in the Herald. As to the result of the election, of which I entertain no manner of doubt, you must blame nobody but yourself." The terms were accepted, and an appointment made for the second day after, when the oration was to be out of the workman's hands, and a hint was dropped that as the debt was more one of honour than a legal contract, and might not be as easily recoverable as tailors' wages, the only handsome and proper way of doing the thing would be for the embryo legislator to bring the cash with him; and this was likewise agreed to. Both parties were up to time. The speech was ready, and P—————— was so delighted with the long-rounded periods, though understanding little of their meaning, as to protest that he was as sure of his election as that chalk is not cheese. The consideration was produced, and found its way into a strange pocket. But now an amusing hitch occurred. This P——————'s education was so limited that he could barely manage to sign a cheque, and read only large print. As to deciphering even large copper-plate writing, he could no more accomplish it than fly to the moon. The difficulty then was what was to be done. How could the speech be committed to memory if the orator was unable to read writing? The perplexity was at length resolved by Finn suggesting that it be printed confidentially at the Herald office. The other demurred, through an apprehension that it might get wind, when he should be the laughing-stock of the town; but he was pacified by the assurance that the other would personally see that the typography would be done in the most secret manner, that three copies only should be struck off, and the type would be then distributed. The copies were accordingly printed in the largest long primer that could be got, and when submitted to the candidate, it was ascertained that he could master all except the polysyllables, with which it was copiously interlarded, and these he climbed over by spelling. The rehearsals, which came off at Finn's house, were the most comically absurd exhibitions conceivable. The recruit was placed at one end of a room opposite a large mirror, and the work commenced. "Now," saith the drill-sergeant, "stand up straight, throw back your head, advance your breast as much as possible, press the floor as hard as you can with your heels, and by that attitude you will acquire an air of independence, and nothing tells better than that. Take this paper in your left hand, and hold it as far off as you can read; and though you cannot be considered a far-sighted individual, you are blessed with good optics, and can see well. Whenever you meet with a big word, roar it out as loud as you can, put on a half grin, clench your right fist, and let fly just as if you were in a prize fight, hitting out from the shoulder. Whenever you come to a full stop, flourish your right hand over your head, stamp with your left foot, and bow. Now, as you have never addressed an election meeting, I must supply you with some presence of mind, a confidence in yourself, or otherwise the jeering, and laughing, and shouting, and hissing, will put you off your chump, and then the game is up, for the only way to battle against election rowdyism is to keep your temper. Whatever may be said to you, mind you are not to get vexed. No telling a fellow 'he's a liar,' sending him to ——————, or promising to punch his head. Therefore, I shall laugh at and make fun of you, whilst you are getting through your speech, and you must not
