be vexed or offended, for I am only accustoming you to what is in store for you just as they break This absurd burlesque was in troopers' horses to stand fire by discharging pistols at their ears." continued for half-a-dozen times; and beyond tripping over the sesquipedalia verba, the political novice was tolerably well able to read aloud, and by continuous stewing, had portions of the oration by heart. One of the long primer slips he had sewed up as a reserve inside the lining of his coat. The triplicate I have before me as I write. At length he arrived at his destination, and the first meeting he addressed, though there was not a complete breakdown, he so distorted the language put into his mouth, and treated his hearers to such a version of their Mother-tongue, that he was almost unanimously adjudged to be non compos mentis. All the words over two syllables he murdered. Instead of "developing the resources" he promised to "envelop the discourses" of the colony. For "propelling the colony onward to her destined pinnacle of prosperity" he would "dispel her to a hastened clinicle of diversity." When treating of "the vast mineral treasures all nearly, as yet, reposing quietly in their undisturbed abodes," his rendering was "the fast general measures yearly disposing nightly in sequestrated lodes," and so on throughout. But the climax occurred when the rhetorician declared he would "discriminate" (assimilate) Victoria to the new world of Columbus." Some unmannerly listener asked him to spell "Columbus," whereat the candidate roared with rage, and promised when the meeting "germinated" (terminated) he would give the fellow such a "bussing" as would swell him to the size of an omnibus. However, the candidature was at an end, for Mr. P—————— was laughed out of the field.
As the General Election of 1856 approached, the Legislational rabies bit him again, and he would be a candidate for a constituency a few miles from Melbourne, where he said his merits were well-known, and would be appreciated accordingly. Once more he appeared before his political "coach," with an intimation that as he this time intended to be his own trainer, all he should require was a slashing preliminary address to the electors, the best article that could be manufactured, and he was prepared to pay a good price. There were then two members of the Bar, who have been since Knighted, Sir W. F. Stawell and Sir A. Michie, upon whom he had what is colonially termed a mortal "down." Why he abhorred Mr. Stawell I could never elicit from him, unless, perhaps, it was because he was Attorney-General; but his grudge against Mr. Michie arose from the fact of that gentleman once appearing against him in some Supreme Court cause to which he was a party, when he had a taste of the learned gentleman's bitterly sarcastic tongue. At all events he was now absorbed by two desires, viz., that his address should be better than Stawell's; and that he might live to see the day when he would be able to meet Michie on the "floor of the Houses," and then and there have it out with him. These two yearnings satisfied, he would be almost willing to lie down and die contentedly. He was again told he was befooling himself, and there was no chance of his election; but the answer was he knew better; that was his business, and if he could not obtain the required commodity—for which he was prepared to pay a high figure—he should go elsewhere, and could no doubt be suited. He preferred, however, to deal with his old friend if he was ready to undertake the job. He liked his style of work, and made him the first offer. The result was that a bargain was clinched between them, and for £20 Mr. P—————— was to obtain an election address of the Al brand, but beyond supplying it and getting paid, the writer washed his hands of all further responsibility. By the end of the week the document appeared in the Melbourne newspapers, subscribed by the illiterate aspirant. It was read and laughed at, but no one was found to assert that it was not well done. It was a right thing perched over a wrong name, an anomaly which caused infinite diversion. But the best of the joke was that when Stawell's address to the electors of Melbourne appeared, the Age, in overhauling it, actually expressed regret that the Attorney-General had not sought the literary assistance of the scribe by whom the P—————— manifesto had been prepared. This intensely delighted Mr. P——————, and the address-maker was very much tickled by the Age unconsciously testifying to the fulfilment of the stipulation originally suggested by his customer.
