tears flowed so fast that she could not hold her pen to write, and yet she said: "The three years of my father's martyrdom seem to me the sweetest and most fruitful of my whole life. I would not exchange them for the most sublime ecstasies, and my heart cries out in gratitude for such a priceless treasure: 'We have rejoiced for the days wherein Thou hast afflicted us.' Precious and sweet was this bitter cross." Mysterious words! Bitter, yet sweet! If I am eager to offer Jesus all the suffering my heart can endure, I shall understand. Am I…?
(3) Martyrdom or the Soul.—This is the severest of all suffering. It comes directly from God, and apparently without reason, without warning. St. Therese ate the hard and dry bread of spiritual aridity, of want of consolation in prayer daily throughout her religious life. "For me it is always night, always dark, black night." "Dryness and drowsiness—such is the state of my soul in its intercourse with Jesus! But since my Beloved wishes to sleep, I shall not prevent Him." She found retreats exceptionally trying: "I went through the retreat in a state of utter dryness and as if abandoned by God. Jesus, as was His wont, slept in my little barque. How rarely do souls suffer Him to sleep in peace! Their good Master is so wearied with continually making fresh advances that He eagerly avails Himself of the repose I offer Him, and, no doubt, He will sleep on until my great and everlasting retreat; but instead of being grieved at this I am glad." There was no time at which she felt less consolation than at Holy Communion. But she did not give up, shorten or hasten through her spiritual exercises on that account. "When I am in this state of spiritual dryness, unable to pray, or to practice virtue, I look for little opportunities, for the smallest trifles to please Jesus, such as a smile, a kindly word when I would rather be silent…. If no such occasion offers, I try at least to say over and over again that I love Him."
The darkness became ever more and more dense, and to it were added fearful temptations against faith. She herself said: "I was sorely tried, almost to sadness. So great was the darkness that I no longer knew if God loved me." 16
