318 FAMILIAR COLLOQUIES.
could they have inflicted upon the maid if she had poisoned her grandfathers and grandmothers, both of the father's and mother's side ] Ga. Nay, if she had scattered her water upon the grave of her parents, it would have been a punishment bad enough to have obliged her but to have given a kiss to such a monster. Pe. I am of your mind. Ga. I look upon it a greater piece of cruelty than if they had stripped their daughter naked, and exposed her to bears, lions, or crocodiles ; for these wild beasts would either have spared her for her exquisite beauty, or put her out of her pain by a quick despatch. Pe. You say right ; I think this is what would have become Mezentius himself, who, as Virgil tells us, bound dead bodies to living ones, hands to hands, and mouths to mouths. But I do not believe Mezentius himself would have been so inhuman as to have bound such a lovely maid to such a carcase as this ; nor is there any dead body you would not choose to be bound to, rather than to such a stinking one j for his breath is rank poison, what he speaks is pestilence, and what he touches mortifies. Ga. Now, Petronius, imagine with yourself what a deal of pleasiire she must needs take in these kisses, embraces, and nocturnal dalliances.
Pe. I have sometimes heard persons talk of unequal matches ; that may certainly with the greatest propriety be called an unequal match, which is, as it were, setting a jewel in lead. But all this while I stand in admiration at the virgin's courage ' } for such young damsels are frightened out of their wits at the sight of a fairy or a hobgoblin. And can this damsel dare to embrace such a carcase as this in the night-time ? Ga. The damsel has these three things to plead in her excuse the authority of her parents, the persuasion of her friends, and the inexperiencedness of her age. But I am amazed at the madness of her parents. Who is there that has a daughter never so homely that would marry her to a leper 1 Pe. Nobody, in my opinion, that had a grain of sense. If I had a daughter that had but one eye, and but one leg, and as deformed as Thersites was, that Homer speaks of, and I could not give her a penny for her portion, I would not marry her to such a son-in-law as he. Ga. This pox is more infectious and destructive than the worst of leprosies ; it invades on a sudden, goes off, and rallies again, and frequently kills at last, while the leprosy will sometimes let a man live, even to extreme old age. Pe. Perhaps the parents were ignorant of the bridegroom's distemper. Ga. No, they knew it very well. Pe. If they had such a hatred to their daughter, why did they not sew her up in a sack and throw her into the Thames ? Ga. Why, truly, if they had, the madness would not have been so great. Pe. By what accomplishments did the bridegroom recommend himself to them 1 Was he excellent in any art 1 Ga. Yes, in a great many; he is a great gamester, he will drink down anybody, a vile whoremaster, the greatest artist in the world at bantering and lying, a notable cheat, pays nobody, revels prodigally, and, in short, whereas there are but seven liberal sciences taught in the schools, he is master of more than ten liberal ones. Pe. Sure, he must have something very extra- ordinary to recommend him to the parents. Ga. Nothing at all but the glorious title of a knight. Pe. A fine sort of a knight that can scarce sit in a saddle for the pox ! But it may be he had a great
