Punch/Volume 147/Issue 3811/The Sinecure
[In The Daily Mail's list of Situations Vacant, such as Housemaids (Hmds), Between-maids (Bmds), Working Housekeepers (Wkg-hkprs) and Cook Generals (Ckgns), appears the following:—"Young Lady wanted for cinema acting. Fullest particulars to Box No. ———."]
Said she, "The Daily Mail ensures
Immediate supply.
Whose situation's vacant? Yours.
Who's going to fill it? I.
Immediate supply.
Whose situation's vacant? Yours.
Who's going to fill it? I.
"If you shall ask me, can I act?
I readily retort,
I'm just the Star you want; in fact
The strong and silent sort.
I readily retort,
I'm just the Star you want; in fact
The strong and silent sort.
"The sooner you reveal the plot
The sooner I begin.
In me, I beg to state, you've got
The perfect Heroine."
The sooner I begin.
In me, I beg to state, you've got
The perfect Heroine."
Said they—"De Vere's a villain who
For reasons not disclosed
Desires to make an end of you..."
("The cad!" she interposed).
For reasons not disclosed
Desires to make an end of you..."
("The cad!" she interposed).
"... He ties you to a railway line
That so the Leeds express
May execute his fell design
With speed and thoroughness."
That so the Leeds express
May execute his fell design
With speed and thoroughness."
"But Herbert's heroism's such,
He swears this shall not be.
You see, he loves you very much..."
("I guessed he would," said she)
He swears this shall not be.
You see, he loves you very much..."
("I guessed he would," said she)
"... He hires a rapid motor car,
He also buys a map;
He knows how fast expresses are,
And notes the handicap.
He also buys a map;
He knows how fast expresses are,
And notes the handicap.
"But, as he is a man of parts
And born to play the game,
Without delay the hero starts..."
We'd better do the same."
And born to play the game,
Without delay the hero starts..."
We'd better do the same."
They chose a quiet neighbourhood,
A lonely piece of track;
They trusted that the metals would
Not incommode her back.
A lonely piece of track;
They trusted that the metals would
Not incommode her back.
"This is De Vere," they said, "whose hand
Will tie you firmly down.
Meanwhile your Herb, we understand,
Is on his way from town.
Will tie you firmly down.
Meanwhile your Herb, we understand,
Is on his way from town.
"We do not, though one can't be sure,
Anticipate the worst.
Expresses may be premature;
Still, Herbert should be first."
Anticipate the worst.
Expresses may be premature;
Still, Herbert should be first."
"Such realism must excite
The audience (and you)...
If you are ready we are quite;
Your train will soon be due."
The audience (and you)...
If you are ready we are quite;
Your train will soon be due."
*****
She formed a resolution, viz.,
To put no trust in men,
But hire herself to mistresses,
A whole, if humble, ckgn.
To put no trust in men,
But hire herself to mistresses,
A whole, if humble, ckgn.