Punch/Volume 147/Issue 3826/The Report Fallacious
I have a son, William. But there are compensations; he is at school.
It was at the crisis of parting at the station that it seemed to me necessary to give William a word of parental advice. I hate seeing small boys at such moments stuffing themselves in refreshment-rooms.
"William," I said, "life is not all cricket and football."
"No, father" replied William, looking hard at the refreshment-room, "there's golf."
"That, William, is scarcely a game. I should describe it in my own case as an exercise taken under medical advice, to obtain relief from business strain."
"Father," burst out William, "there's Cheffins minor in the refreshment-room."
"William," I proceeded, "at the end of each term I receive an unsatisfactory report about you from your house-master. It is only then that I know you have wasted three months of golden time." ("Golden time" was a happy inspiration.)
"Old Starks is a rotter," said William briefly.
"Now I put you on your honour, William, to send me a truthful report of your progress at the half-term. Then if you are not doing well I can write and ask that you should have special attention. On your honour, mind."
"Yes, father. Shall we go across to the refreshment-room now?"
"Ah, yes, certainly," I said, noticing a signal drop. "Oh, no; here's your train coming in."
Then having done my duty I forgot all about the promised report. It arrived unexpectedly this morning. He had framed it precisely on the model of his house-master's reports:—
Position in Form. First.
Progress. Very marked; decidedly more attentive and industrious.
Latin. A distinct improvement in versification. Translates easily and intelligently.
Greek. Displays remarkable promise.
("Of course it won't be much use to him in my leather business," I said to my wife; "still it shows grit.")
Mathematics. Again marked progress is to be recorded.
Conduct. Courteous, orderly, obedient. A good influence in the house.
General Remarks. Will achieve a high position in the school, but must take care that too close absorption in study does not interfere with his athletic development.
"Most gratifying," I said to my wife. "I just put the boy on his honour. I don't believe in lecturing boys. Ah, what's this at the bottom?"
I read with horror the foot-note, "Per Wireless from Berlin."
I am a parent, so I instructed my wife to write a letter saying how much I was pained by William's frivolity. I am a patriot, so, without her knowledge, I slipped a postal order for ten shillings into the envelope.